Thirty-Two

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God” (Ephesians 2:8, NKJV)

This Saturday marked the 32nd month since Pat’s diagnosis on July 17, 2009.  A lot has happened since the last time I’ve written.  Pat has been struggling to maintain her weight but since they don’t actually weigh her I’m not sure how much weight she has lost.  They measured the bicep circumference and as of last week she had lost more than 5 centimeters over the two prior weeks.  Although that does not bode well, we keep praying there is a turnaround coming.  At the risk of T.M.I., she is also struggling to maintain regularity which in turn I’m sure, affects her appetite.  I keep praying for a break but there just doesn’t seem to be one coming as fast as I want it.  Like I have been saying she will have a breakthrough in one area and another problem will pop up somewhere else.  Through it all, she keeps fighting with what strength she has.                                               “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.” John 15:7

About two weeks ago I spoke to an ex-coworker of Pat’s, “Miss Holly” as Pat always called her.  I invited her to come visit Pat.  She said that she and several of the other ladies that worked with Pat had talked about visiting but that they thought I should talk to Pat about it first. She said that Pat was a very private person at work and that they weren’t sure she would want them to see her in her current state.  I asked Pat about it and she said she would be glad to have them visit, but unfortunately she hasn’t been doing well the last two weeks so she never got to make that call.  Wow, you would think I would have known this after being together 34 years, but I didn’t.  I assumed from all the conversations we had about her office, that they were closer than (what I thought) they were.  From those conversations I felt I knew her people at work and when there were office functions that I went to I felt they were close.  However I am one of those people that never meets a stranger, so now I understand why Pat would tell me sometimes she wished she had more of my personality.  I remember from time to time she would say things like “all our friends are your friends” and that if anything happened to me she would be all alone because our friends were more mine than hers.  Well she has found out through all the outpouring of love and support, her feelings about that couldn’t have been further from the truth.  And Ms.Holly, she did say she wanted you guys to visit, but she took a slight turn for the worse, so to speak, after we had that conversation and never got a chance to make that call.

This past week as strange as it may sound I started missing the regimen of the visits to chemo, the routine that we would follow each week vs. the week of chemo.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not wishing she was still in chemo (well not to some degree) but we would spend a lot of time in the car together talking during that time and thinking about it made me realize Pat and my relationship was formulated and solidified in an automobile (get your mind out of the gutter :-0).  For twelve years, five months and eight days we commuted 63 miles one way, to work.  On the average we would leave our driveway at 5:30 am, to arrive at my office by 7:00am and then head home just before 5:00pm to arrive home about 6:30pm.  One of our rules, (and benefits of spending so much time in the car together) was, once we get home, no talking about work, so we did talk about what went on at both her and my job, so to hear Ms.Holly say she was a “very private person” at work kind of caught me by surprise.That was a lot of time spent together which gave us time to really get to know each other.  Granted we had already been together almost nine years to that point, but imagine being locked in a six by four foot room with someone a little over three hours a day, 5 days a week, for 12 years, five months and eight days.  You either get to know each other pretty well or the relationship doesn’t make it, right?  Well fortunately, ours did and has thrived because of that time being well spent.  To me, being in the car together it just feels so right.

A couple of Sundays ago my two closest friends came and took me to lunch.  One of their wives, Faye, stayed with Pat and since she was Pat’s friend before Pat and I met I felt OK enough to leave her with Pat.  During the time away I thought to myself this is the first real time to myself I’ve had since Pat was diagnosed and I have been “on duty” so to speak, 24/7 since January 11, 2010, my last day of work.  Well there was that trip to Pahrump early in February but that was business, retrieving things needed for here  and locking up the house in NV., so other than that I haven’t had a day off in over two years.  How’s that for dedication;-)

Well today (March 22, 2012) the nurse came and did another measurement.  She has lost another 1.5 centimeters.  I of course am disappointed and was hoping for better news but we will keep fighting the best we can.

This post has been a week-plus in the making mostly because I have been in a funk of sorts.  Last Friday I had to visit the dentist which resulted in a crown being needed.  If that wasn’t enough, I left my lights on and my battery died.  Luckily (actually God’s favor) the office manager gave me a jump and I didn’t have to wait for AAA.  So off I went, with only a small amount of pain.

As I said, I’m having a hard time with what to say so, I’ll close this with a verse from one of my favorite songs;

Even when it’s cold outside, there is love.  Even when you cry all night, you’re alright.  Even if you lose your way, you’ll get through.

There is someone watching over you!

Thank You Lord,

Floyd                                                                                                                     

16 In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: “Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak. 17 The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Gethsemane

(Here is one of my favorite songs, you might want to go to this link, start it in another window and listen while you read this entry, but if not while you read it at least listen to it afterwards)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-I4U_ARfLs“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28, NIV) Pat and I in Sedona Arizona

 

It’s been almost two weeks, here’s what is going on;

To say I could use some more sleep would be a gross understatement, so the above Bible verse is so appropriate.  Pat has not been sleeping well at night and she has been groaning almost constantly day and night.  She says she isn’t in pain but I thought she may be suffering from some form of gastrointestinal distress.  When Pat’s mother called the next day, she confirmed my suspicions.  Just by hearing her groans over the phone, she determined that the problem was … “GAS”.  No one knows you like your mother, huh?

Wednesday, 2/15/12 at about 5:00PM, I asked Pat “What’s my name?” She could not  tell me, and my heart broke.  Not because I thought she didn’t really know who I was, but because I could see in her eyes that in that instant, she realized something was wrong with her mind.  Pat and I have not been able to hold a conversation for some time now.  I know that may surprise those of you who know Pat and haven’t seen her in a while, but she has fallen fairly silent.  She did however on Friday night become surprisingly lucid, asking questions of me and using words in her vocabulary I haven’t heard in a while.  In particular I saw her staring at the floor so I asked her what she was looking at and she replied “I was looking at the symmetry of the rug”  WOW.

Pat and I have followed a regimen in giving her her medicines and vitamins each night for a little over two years now.  It starts at 8:30pm each night and I give her a pill roughly each half hour until she has taken the 4 pills she takes every night.  The other night I had to go to the store after giving her the first pill at 8:30 and I didn’t get back until 9:15.  When I entered the bedroom I found her sitting up in bed with the bag of medicines in her hand.  I asked her what she was doing and she said she was looking for her medicine.  She doesn’t have the hand strength to open any of the bottles so there was no danger of her actually taking anything, but that showed me she is still there, fighting to maintain some semblance of normalcy of regularity in her life even as she is struggling to regain her mentation.  Physically, she is doing fair, all things considered.  She is able to walk around short distances holding my arm before getting tired and having to rest, but she is not having much of a problem with her breathing/respiration.  She is starting to lose weight and some muscle tone, and her appetite has been next to non-existent.  I have been extremely concerned that malnutrition might be setting in. She has developed an infrequent cough, but one different than any I have heard before and Friday evening she complained about a slight headache.  About ten minutes later she said it was gone.  However as I write this (I have said before it sometimes takes me several days to write and edit each post) the last couple days (Saturday and Sunday) she was complaining for the first time about pain in her chest to the point I had to give her something for the pain.  Her appetite has shown a marked improvement but, I had started feeding her like you would a toddler and by doing so she ate a significant amount more than she would have by feeding herself. Yesterday as I started feeding her she took the fork from me and continued to feed herself, eating more than she had been lately.  This is the way it has been going, she will show a physical improvement and then almost simultaneously she will have a mental decline, or maybe an improvement in her mental state will be followed by a physical problem, such as the night of her surprising lucidity being followed by nausea and vomiting at midnight, something that hasn’t happened since shortly after her first round of chemotherapy treatment.  We have no better choice now than to pray and thank God for His healing Grace and Mercy.

As I mentioned in my last post several of Pat’s former co-workers have called and offered their support, and several other of her cousins have visited.  Her cousin Rhonette from Northern Ca., her cousin DeAnna and her daughter Jennifer visited on the tenth (oh, and thanks for the flowers and the tip about the chocolate milk, but you owe me for all the miles I’m going to have to run to wear off the cake…no one else in the house really eats cake, so I had to eat most of it!).  Two days before that her cousin Jennifer (not DeAnna’s Daughter) visited and we also talked about ways to stimulate Pat’s appetite. Pat had good visits with them and as I have said before she seems to perk up when she hears new voices.  I fear my voice has become “Charlie Browns Parents” (you know…”Wonk, wonk, wonk”).  Pat also spoke to a former coworker (from twelve years ago) by phone and was asking her about things I didn’t remember, so again it’s seemingly therapeutic for her to speak to other people.  I also spoke to our friend with whom we kennel our dog, she says he is having “problems”.  I suspect he feels abandoned, but there is just nothing I can do at this time.  My nephew that had stayed with us is now living down in L.A. and cannot take off from school to go and spend a week in our home to give him, Marley, a break.  My only consolation is that I know he is being well cared for where he is.  Thank you Eileen for all you have done for us, and know that I, no we, miss our Marley!  Hang in there buddy we hope to be there as soon as we can.

So Pat soldiers on, I do what I can and we continue to stand on God’s word.  Lord help me to be strong, let me hear Your voice, place the right people in my path, order my steps to accomplish Your will for my life, in Jesus name. AMEN

Floyd

P.S. Please leave a comment, I read them to Pat and they really lift her spirits! Thank you!

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9, NIV) “…Nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done”

(Luke 22:42b, NKJV)