Grey’s Anatomy

This was written but not published, the first week of April, as I had some ISSUES I was struggling with.
Psalm 34

1 I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

You know how you get points against your drivers license for violations?  Well this next admission will probably get me points against my “Man Card”.  I am hooked on reruns of Greys Anatomy.  Now in my defense, I have a very good reason for this; I woke up about six months ago a little after midnight to find Pat was watching TV.  At that time it was unusual for her to be awake that late, so I asked her “What are you watching?”  She said “This” and pointed at the TV.  It was Grey’s Anatomy.  I thought it was strange as we had never watched that program, ever.  I asked her why she was watching it and she said “She has what I have”  It was an episode about Dr. Isabella (Izzie) Stevens having aphasia after her brain surgery.  Well every since then I’ve been stuck on Grey’s Anatomy.  I saw an episode the other day that had some sage advice I plan to take to heart.  It was given from a patient, who was also a Dr., to the neurosurgeon just before he was to operate on his “inoperable tumor”.  Operating on this tumor would probably at best, result in him being a paraplegic or kill him at worst.  The neurosurgeon had told him the tumor couldn’t be removed without cutting a nerve in his spiral cord resulting in paralysis, and he told him it seemed there was just no way around it.  To this the patient said; “There is always a way.  When things look like there’s no way, there is always a way.  To do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there is always a way.  We are inspired,  In the face of the impossible, we are inspired.  Today when you become frightened, instead become inspired.”

Something I couldn’t help but notice is how Pat’s world is shrinking.  Three years ago The world was her oyster, then the diagnosis shrank it to trips back and forth between our place in NV., the infusion room and the home in Fontana.  After the treatment stopped , it became the second floor of the house in Fontana.  As her condition worsened it was the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom by wheelchair, with an occasional trip into the den area to watch television.  Now it’s down to a twin size hospital bed.  Wow…

8:30 pm every night an alarm goes off on my phone.  It use to start a nightly regimen of giving Pat her nightly medications.  1 pill every half-hour for a total of 4 pills.  Pat has been so blessed in that she only needed two types of pain medications along with a vitamin and a pill to help regulate her.  However since about 3 weeks ago she stopped swallowing her pills, choosing instead to hold them in her mouth until the capsule melted or the protective covering dissolved resulting in the worst “bitter beer face” EVER! (remember that commercial?)   Now even though she no longer takes the pills, as we have switched to liquid pain suppressants, I can’t bring myself to cancel the alarm.  It’s funny how it has become such an integral part of my life.  It’s as though turning it off will cut out another part of our life.

Last  week I went to see my dentist in Riverside.  I had this filling that had lost a small grain-sized piece at first but the hole was getting larger each week.  I figured I had better get it taken care of before it started to hurt, you know, five minutes after the dentist’s office closed, on a Friday.  Anyway three weeks ago he fitted it for a crown.  He gave me a temporary crown and told me to come back in 2 weeks for the permanent, so last week I returned to have him complete the job.  We had some down time, so we talked about our situations, his trials with his home life and mine with Pat’s illness.  I gave him a hard copy of “What Cancer Has Taken” which he started reading and became so emotional he had to stop.  I told him how a friend, a few years back had told me, “Floyd you don’t know how good you have it.  Both your parents are still alive and in good health, your family is doing great”, basically he was saying life was good for me.  We talked not too long ago and he said to me “Man I’m sorry I ever said that to you, as this has got to be tougher than what I went through.”  My dentist looked at me and said simply “Job, you are going through the trials of Job”.  Hopefully, with God’s help I will pass these trials like Job.  And like Job, I don’t blame God for our troubles, but the enemy!  Also like Job, I plan to stay in faith and come out the other side with increased blessings.

It is said, the most powerful sense is your sense of smell.  I stopped by the infusion  room on my way home to give them a copy of my aforementioned blog post, and as soon as I walked into the building, in my mind’s eye I was transported back to the time we were making the trips to chemo sessions.  Now mind you I hadn’t been in that building since Pat’s last treatment, the day before Thanksgiving, and the only way to explain it is, it smelled like … hope.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said there are 5 stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  Pat’s nurse and I talked about this and she said I would have to go through all these phases, even if I skipped one, I would come back to it at some point.  I said didn’t believe I had actually done them, but in thinking back I started to realize I had gone through them.  We had a quick moment of disbelief when the Dr. first told us Pat had the tumor, so I guess that could qualify as denial.  The Anger, no I made a conscious decision that first night that I would not be angry, anger doesn’t help, it interferes with your decision-making process and I knew I had to be able to make great decisions, not just good decisions if I was to do the best job possible of helping Pat defeat this.  But I have come to realize I do have anger, not about the disease but at some of the things going on outside of Pat and I.  Suddenly I realized I am angry about how certain people are not respecting boundaries and refusing to comply with requests to not do certain things that interfere with my ability to give Pat the best care possible.  But this is probably not the proper forum to discuss that in detail, so I will move on.  Bargaining was easy, we just asked God to strengthen us and guide us and we would give him all the glory.  Depression…I told the nurse, “I don’t do depression, I have had to deal with a period in my life where I was depressed and I didn’t like it, I promised myself I would never do depression again”.  She said “That may be the one you come back to”.  Later in the conversation I told her I have been gaining weight due to “nervous eating”.  Then it hit me and we laughed as we realized at the same time , depression sometimes presents itself in overeating.  As far as Acceptance, we will see. What I have accepted is that God is in charge, and I will accept his perfect will.

Psalm 46:1-3 says; ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging. 

⁷ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Floyd

Thirty-Two

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God” (Ephesians 2:8, NKJV)

This Saturday marked the 32nd month since Pat’s diagnosis on July 17, 2009.  A lot has happened since the last time I’ve written.  Pat has been struggling to maintain her weight but since they don’t actually weigh her I’m not sure how much weight she has lost.  They measured the bicep circumference and as of last week she had lost more than 5 centimeters over the two prior weeks.  Although that does not bode well, we keep praying there is a turnaround coming.  At the risk of T.M.I., she is also struggling to maintain regularity which in turn I’m sure, affects her appetite.  I keep praying for a break but there just doesn’t seem to be one coming as fast as I want it.  Like I have been saying she will have a breakthrough in one area and another problem will pop up somewhere else.  Through it all, she keeps fighting with what strength she has.                                               “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.” John 15:7

About two weeks ago I spoke to an ex-coworker of Pat’s, “Miss Holly” as Pat always called her.  I invited her to come visit Pat.  She said that she and several of the other ladies that worked with Pat had talked about visiting but that they thought I should talk to Pat about it first. She said that Pat was a very private person at work and that they weren’t sure she would want them to see her in her current state.  I asked Pat about it and she said she would be glad to have them visit, but unfortunately she hasn’t been doing well the last two weeks so she never got to make that call.  Wow, you would think I would have known this after being together 34 years, but I didn’t.  I assumed from all the conversations we had about her office, that they were closer than (what I thought) they were.  From those conversations I felt I knew her people at work and when there were office functions that I went to I felt they were close.  However I am one of those people that never meets a stranger, so now I understand why Pat would tell me sometimes she wished she had more of my personality.  I remember from time to time she would say things like “all our friends are your friends” and that if anything happened to me she would be all alone because our friends were more mine than hers.  Well she has found out through all the outpouring of love and support, her feelings about that couldn’t have been further from the truth.  And Ms.Holly, she did say she wanted you guys to visit, but she took a slight turn for the worse, so to speak, after we had that conversation and never got a chance to make that call.

This past week as strange as it may sound I started missing the regimen of the visits to chemo, the routine that we would follow each week vs. the week of chemo.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not wishing she was still in chemo (well not to some degree) but we would spend a lot of time in the car together talking during that time and thinking about it made me realize Pat and my relationship was formulated and solidified in an automobile (get your mind out of the gutter :-0).  For twelve years, five months and eight days we commuted 63 miles one way, to work.  On the average we would leave our driveway at 5:30 am, to arrive at my office by 7:00am and then head home just before 5:00pm to arrive home about 6:30pm.  One of our rules, (and benefits of spending so much time in the car together) was, once we get home, no talking about work, so we did talk about what went on at both her and my job, so to hear Ms.Holly say she was a “very private person” at work kind of caught me by surprise.That was a lot of time spent together which gave us time to really get to know each other.  Granted we had already been together almost nine years to that point, but imagine being locked in a six by four foot room with someone a little over three hours a day, 5 days a week, for 12 years, five months and eight days.  You either get to know each other pretty well or the relationship doesn’t make it, right?  Well fortunately, ours did and has thrived because of that time being well spent.  To me, being in the car together it just feels so right.

A couple of Sundays ago my two closest friends came and took me to lunch.  One of their wives, Faye, stayed with Pat and since she was Pat’s friend before Pat and I met I felt OK enough to leave her with Pat.  During the time away I thought to myself this is the first real time to myself I’ve had since Pat was diagnosed and I have been “on duty” so to speak, 24/7 since January 11, 2010, my last day of work.  Well there was that trip to Pahrump early in February but that was business, retrieving things needed for here  and locking up the house in NV., so other than that I haven’t had a day off in over two years.  How’s that for dedication;-)

Well today (March 22, 2012) the nurse came and did another measurement.  She has lost another 1.5 centimeters.  I of course am disappointed and was hoping for better news but we will keep fighting the best we can.

This post has been a week-plus in the making mostly because I have been in a funk of sorts.  Last Friday I had to visit the dentist which resulted in a crown being needed.  If that wasn’t enough, I left my lights on and my battery died.  Luckily (actually God’s favor) the office manager gave me a jump and I didn’t have to wait for AAA.  So off I went, with only a small amount of pain.

As I said, I’m having a hard time with what to say so, I’ll close this with a verse from one of my favorite songs;

Even when it’s cold outside, there is love.  Even when you cry all night, you’re alright.  Even if you lose your way, you’ll get through.

There is someone watching over you!

Thank You Lord,

Floyd                                                                                                                     

16 In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: “Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak. 17 The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Gethsemane

(Here is one of my favorite songs, you might want to go to this link, start it in another window and listen while you read this entry, but if not while you read it at least listen to it afterwards)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-I4U_ARfLs“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28, NIV) Pat and I in Sedona Arizona

 

It’s been almost two weeks, here’s what is going on;

To say I could use some more sleep would be a gross understatement, so the above Bible verse is so appropriate.  Pat has not been sleeping well at night and she has been groaning almost constantly day and night.  She says she isn’t in pain but I thought she may be suffering from some form of gastrointestinal distress.  When Pat’s mother called the next day, she confirmed my suspicions.  Just by hearing her groans over the phone, she determined that the problem was … “GAS”.  No one knows you like your mother, huh?

Wednesday, 2/15/12 at about 5:00PM, I asked Pat “What’s my name?” She could not  tell me, and my heart broke.  Not because I thought she didn’t really know who I was, but because I could see in her eyes that in that instant, she realized something was wrong with her mind.  Pat and I have not been able to hold a conversation for some time now.  I know that may surprise those of you who know Pat and haven’t seen her in a while, but she has fallen fairly silent.  She did however on Friday night become surprisingly lucid, asking questions of me and using words in her vocabulary I haven’t heard in a while.  In particular I saw her staring at the floor so I asked her what she was looking at and she replied “I was looking at the symmetry of the rug”  WOW.

Pat and I have followed a regimen in giving her her medicines and vitamins each night for a little over two years now.  It starts at 8:30pm each night and I give her a pill roughly each half hour until she has taken the 4 pills she takes every night.  The other night I had to go to the store after giving her the first pill at 8:30 and I didn’t get back until 9:15.  When I entered the bedroom I found her sitting up in bed with the bag of medicines in her hand.  I asked her what she was doing and she said she was looking for her medicine.  She doesn’t have the hand strength to open any of the bottles so there was no danger of her actually taking anything, but that showed me she is still there, fighting to maintain some semblance of normalcy of regularity in her life even as she is struggling to regain her mentation.  Physically, she is doing fair, all things considered.  She is able to walk around short distances holding my arm before getting tired and having to rest, but she is not having much of a problem with her breathing/respiration.  She is starting to lose weight and some muscle tone, and her appetite has been next to non-existent.  I have been extremely concerned that malnutrition might be setting in. She has developed an infrequent cough, but one different than any I have heard before and Friday evening she complained about a slight headache.  About ten minutes later she said it was gone.  However as I write this (I have said before it sometimes takes me several days to write and edit each post) the last couple days (Saturday and Sunday) she was complaining for the first time about pain in her chest to the point I had to give her something for the pain.  Her appetite has shown a marked improvement but, I had started feeding her like you would a toddler and by doing so she ate a significant amount more than she would have by feeding herself. Yesterday as I started feeding her she took the fork from me and continued to feed herself, eating more than she had been lately.  This is the way it has been going, she will show a physical improvement and then almost simultaneously she will have a mental decline, or maybe an improvement in her mental state will be followed by a physical problem, such as the night of her surprising lucidity being followed by nausea and vomiting at midnight, something that hasn’t happened since shortly after her first round of chemotherapy treatment.  We have no better choice now than to pray and thank God for His healing Grace and Mercy.

As I mentioned in my last post several of Pat’s former co-workers have called and offered their support, and several other of her cousins have visited.  Her cousin Rhonette from Northern Ca., her cousin DeAnna and her daughter Jennifer visited on the tenth (oh, and thanks for the flowers and the tip about the chocolate milk, but you owe me for all the miles I’m going to have to run to wear off the cake…no one else in the house really eats cake, so I had to eat most of it!).  Two days before that her cousin Jennifer (not DeAnna’s Daughter) visited and we also talked about ways to stimulate Pat’s appetite. Pat had good visits with them and as I have said before she seems to perk up when she hears new voices.  I fear my voice has become “Charlie Browns Parents” (you know…”Wonk, wonk, wonk”).  Pat also spoke to a former coworker (from twelve years ago) by phone and was asking her about things I didn’t remember, so again it’s seemingly therapeutic for her to speak to other people.  I also spoke to our friend with whom we kennel our dog, she says he is having “problems”.  I suspect he feels abandoned, but there is just nothing I can do at this time.  My nephew that had stayed with us is now living down in L.A. and cannot take off from school to go and spend a week in our home to give him, Marley, a break.  My only consolation is that I know he is being well cared for where he is.  Thank you Eileen for all you have done for us, and know that I, no we, miss our Marley!  Hang in there buddy we hope to be there as soon as we can.

So Pat soldiers on, I do what I can and we continue to stand on God’s word.  Lord help me to be strong, let me hear Your voice, place the right people in my path, order my steps to accomplish Your will for my life, in Jesus name. AMEN

Floyd

P.S. Please leave a comment, I read them to Pat and they really lift her spirits! Thank you!

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9, NIV) “…Nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done”

(Luke 22:42b, NKJV)

SO>>>ROADTRIP!

Traditional Irish Blessing
May the road rise to meet you May the wind be always at your back The sun shine warm upon your face The rains fall soft upon your fields And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

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6 So nation was destroyed by nation, and city by city, for God troubled them with every adversity. 7 But you, be strong and do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded!” 2 Chronicles 15; 6-7

SO…

After I posted the last blog entry, Pat had a slight physical recovery of sorts.  I was downstairs washing dishes, but when I went back upstairs and looked in the room she was not in the bed and her O2 hose was lying on the floor.  My first thought was “Oh my goodness she has gotten up and fallen down the stairs”, then I realized “no dummy, you just came up the stairs”.  So I walked to the bathroom and there she was, sitting there with her “3-year-old” grin.  I asked her “How did you get in here?” She answered “I walked!”  “Without your oxygen?”, I replied.  She looked up and gave me that grin again and said “I guess so.”  So I asked her, “Do you think you’re grown now?”  She said again “I guess so!”  Well what a blessing!  I however, explained to her that in the future she needed to call me before attempting to walk anywhere as I wouldn’t want her to fall and hurt herself and she said she would.  Now to those of you who know Pat and how fiercely independent she is, you know what’s coming next.  Two days later when I went to fix her something to eat, I came back to find her…yes in the bathroom without the O2 again, and then after promising she wouldn’t do it anymore…later that day…she did it again.  Although I inwardly celebrated the re-emergence of her warrior spirit, but I was terrified that she might fall and hurt herself.

On the other side of the coin however last Monday, (the 30th of January) she had one of those stroke/aphasia-like attacks similar to the one the TV reporter had on air last year where she suddenly started speaking gibberish in the middle of her report.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9RCaRv-_jQ)  Since that happened Pat has not been able to carry on a normal conversation with me.  I have noticed that when she gets a phone call or when someone visits, she perks up and sounds a bit more lucid.  So I celebrate the physical victory and try to figure out how to help her with the mental challenge.  Here’s a novel approach…how about some more prayer, it has been working thus far!  God is good, all he time, and He has always been here with us and His word says He will be with us until the end of the earth. I stand on His word!

Now let me tell you about friends:

The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.  Ralph Waldo Emerson – Glory

Last week my “bug guy” called me and said that my fish (I raise koi) were swarming when he walked to the pond.  Normally during the winter the fish are in somewhat suspended animation and don’t eat.  Paul, the bug guy, says the weather has been somewhat warm so the fish aren’t sleep.  My brother-in-law suggested I might want to take a trip to check on the house so, this past Saturday, Chevalier (or Antwine or Anthony) one of my B.F.F.’s (one of two guys who know where all my bodies are buried so to speak), picked me up about 8:30AM and off we went to Pahrump.  I haven’t seen our home in Nevada since December 16th, and I needed some papers, and figured it would be a good idea to get some things I had left there, that I need here.  This is the first time since January of 2010 that I have been away from Pat (other than the day after Thanksgiving when I had to get the car worked on, so Reggie took Pat to her Dr.’s appt.).

The ride gave us an opportunity to talk, and we did.  We talked about what was going on with Pat, what was going on with me, about what was going on with other friends and family, who had and hadn’t called (to which he was surprised when I told him who I hadn’t heard from in over a year and the family members who don’t call to check up on Pat and I).  But it’s all good.  I have much more important things to do than to worry about why certain people don’t call.  I understand that sometimes people don’t know what to say or maybe there is something in their past and that this may bring back painful memories, or maybe there is still a deep-seated resentment still lingering for some misunderstood reason.  I don’t know and I won’t until they talk to me about it, so until they do…my focus is on my assignment from God, and that is to take care of Pat.  We did some general housekeeping, checked to make sure all was well around the house, “Twan” (remember that nickname) cleaned the refrigerators and Brian and Sherri my close friends from church came by and helped us with maintenance around the pond.  They have also been a God-send and have helped in more ways than they know.  They took food to my dog at the kennel when I couldn’t get there and they have just been “GREAT!”  Thank you guys! (especially for the you know what from Alaska…can’t say it out loud, the guys in the picture below may hear me…LOL)

The Lower Pond

Now a quick story about all these names for my buddy.  I have always, for the most part, (wait that’s an oxymoron isn’t it?) called him Chevalier.  The nickname I mentioned earlier, Twan, was a name given him by our friend Clyde, (a nickname in itself) that only he called him.  We lost him three weeks to the day before we found out Pat was ill.  In fact it’s because we going to be with our friends that weekend after the funeral that we stopped by the doctor’s office on the way to see them.  Dang, we miss Clyde!  But “my man” has used his first name, his middle name and a couple of other nicknames during the 40-plus years that I have known him.  But for the first time in a long time, I had to introduce him to people for the first time (and that is in itself a redundancy, isn’t it?) I hesitated in trying to introduce him as I didn’t know which name to use.  He later said “Sorry for putting you in that position” (sic) as he has never stated a preference for which name he prefers to be introduced as.  i.e. I used to introduce my wife as “Patricia until I realized she always corrected it to Pat.  Chevalier and I have run in the same circle for so long I can’t remember the last time I have had to do an introduction.  Wow.

I didn’t find my friends; the good Lord gave them to me. Ralph Waldo Emerson – Friendship

All I can say to Mr. Emerson about that is, Yes he did and he did a GREAT JOB

This past week I have started getting calls from people we worked with before we retired.  As some of you know, it was sort of a sudden decision to retire, brought on by several factors, not the least of which was that Pat’s office was being merged with other offices and that the “powers that be” wouldn’t follow the Union protocol of giving the longest tenured persons transfers to the office closest to their home.  There were some other factors, the commute was wearing out a car every 2-3 years, not to mention what it was doing to me as I did most of the driving.  We did that commute for 12 1/2 years and for the first ten, it didn’t bother me a bit.  It seemed like on day ten years and 1 day a switch flipped and so did I.  That next two and a half years was a 30 month period like no other in my life, until now.  Anyway, It was good to hear from old friends, some of whom said we had been on their minds, and one in particular that told me she had for some reason been praying for us lately and didn’t know why…and she isn’t the only one. “Now they do” is what I said to them in response when I talked to them.  Again this is an example that God “loves Him some Pat” in that he has people praying for her and they don’t even know why.  I have been hinting about a prior miracle in our life together that happened to Pat when we first got together.  It’s something that not many people know about but I guess I’ll tell it now.  It was probably 1979 or ’80 Pat was having some breathing issues and she went to the Dr. to get it checked.  The short version is that they did x-rays and found what the Dr. determined was Sarcoidosis.  The X-ray of her lungs looked like someone had taken a paintbrush and ran their finger over the end of it flicking paint spots all over her lungs.  He explained to Pat that her condition would require him to do a biopsy (remember this is 1980) and  that it would involve some pain, and at the extreme end the possibility that he might pinch an small artery and cause her to bleed out. (she has Von Willebrand’s disease) Well Pat has never liked needles and hearing about the bleeding possibility she was like thanks, but no thanks, and away we went. Well over the next couple of months we prayed about it, I have to say her more than I, (I wasn’t as close to God then as I am now) I tried to convince her that God wasn’t going to let anything happen to her, that he would guide the Dr.’s hand and she finally relented after about 2-3 months.  Of course by this time the Dr. says he’ll need new X-rays so that he has a current picture of where everything is.  So when we got the X-ray done, the Dr. walks into the room, places the X-rays on the fluoroscope, flipped on the light and turned to us without saying a word, then nodded toward the X-ray which showed…Perfectly clear lungs!  He said ” we checked the machine and there was nothing wrong with it and I can’t explain this.  Pat asked him “so I don’t need a biopsy?” He said “no, just come back in 3 months to check it.”  Pat stood up and said “I guess I’m out of here” and off we went.  It never reappeared and we accepted this as a blessing from God.  So we have had 32 years that maybe can be considered a gift from God, but I’m still asking for one more.

I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead” (Philippians 3:13, NKJV)

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What Cancer Has Taken

“And let us not be weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

The other night was another semi-sleepless night for me.  I went to bed before 11:00 P.M. but by 2:00 A.M. I was wide awake.  So I lay there wondering, “Did God awaken me for a specific reason?”  Is there something I am missing or is Pat having some difficulty I need to be awake to hear?  Well, she seemed to be sleeping well, about nineteen breaths per minute fairly deep, rhythmic if somewhat labored.  So I started asking God, “What is it you want from me?  I cried out to him, “Am I not doing what you want of me?  Is there something I AM MISSING?!  For the first time I wondered out loud “Are you dissatisfied with me?”  I asked “Why are you allowing Pat’s ability to communicate, the thing on this earth I love more than anything to be taken from her?”  I say that because Pat is now in a state where she cannot communicate her thoughts vocally on a regular basis.  She has moments of clarity surrounded by periods of sleep and times of listless quiet.  I watch her as she is slowly starting to retreat into herself, and I pray to God that she doesn’t forget who I am.

This led me to realize that lately I have been thinking of how many things this cancer has taken away from us. Here is a list I’ve come up with, not necessarily in order of importance but closer to the order lost.

• The world as we knew it;

Our doctor look at Pat and said, “There is a mass in your brain …” and so it began, our world would never be the same.

• My Driving Partner

That same night the doctor said, “you can’t go across the street to get anything to eat, I’m admitting you to the hospital immediately”.  She has not been behind the wheel of a vehicle since.

• The Ability to Plan Ahead

Once this started, we could not plan for the next week much less for the “future”.

• My Wife’s Beautiful Locks

I wanted to cut my hair in support of her when she started losing her hair but she wouldn’t allow me to do so.

• My Teacher

There are so many things my wife has taught me, not the least of which was how to be a man.   I was such an immature kid when we met but over the years, I have become the person I am today, in spite of myself.  I’ve also become a pretty good cook hanging out with her.

• My Conversationalist

Each day she becomes more and more withdrawn, holding a conversation is now almost impossible.   But I talk in hopes that she understands and knows I love her.

• My Finance Manager

Pat has always handled the money, I have a new appreciation for that now.

• Intimacy

T.M.I. (Hugging is still considered intimacy right?)

• MARLEY!

• Travel

I’m so glad we got to go to the reunion in Fresno.  It was a great trip and she really enjoyed it.

I have some other things I surprisingly realize cancer has taken from me, the first being;

The Tendency to Take Life For Granted; To blow through a day not experiencing the preciousness of each moment.

Selfishness; I have learned to place the needs of Pat way ahead of my wants and desires.  Things that used to seem important to me, that I may have started an argument over, just don’t seem that important anymore.  I used to feel that having my way an equal amount of times as her was really important, an affront to my manhood so to speak, if I didn’t get “my way” as much as I perceived her to get hers.  Now I see that getting my way isn’t really that big a deal anymore, it doesn’t make me any less of a man to not get my way, in fact in the grand scheme of things God may be watching to see how I handle these situations, to see if I am learning humility in His way.  Remember Jesus washed the feet of his disciples to prove this principle.

Anger; Except for a couple or three minor frustration outbursts (and outbursts may be too strong a word) I have learned anger is not my friend.  I have been surprisingly calm in the face of this storm.  I know they said there are several stages of grief you are suppose to go through but I have to say anger about this situation is not one we have had.  I have learned through faith “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”  Proverbs 16:32, KJV  I have, since Pat and I have been together, believed; “. . . let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil . . . Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:26b-27, 31-32, KJV  What has always been my answer when asked “What’s the secret to the longevity of your relationship?” is never go to bed angry with each other, stay up all night if you have to, but work it out.

Doubt in God’s Grace;  I have seen God’s grace in action so many times during this journey, there is no doubt God’s favor is active in my life.  Most recently the way the car, although it broke down, happened right in front of the house, instead of in the middle of desert where there isn’t any cell service.  I also watched as Pat seemingly spoke to her guardian angel a few days after her brain surgery as the neurosurgeon said he was within moments of having to reopen her head to relieve the pressure of her brain swelling.  God’s grace exists, period.

Doubt That God’s Mercy Exists; I am now convinced that I will, no I have, received God’s mercy for I understand that only by the sacrifice of Jesus  on the cross for my sins am I saved.  Going through this has shown me that not only am I forgiven but I am living under the favor of God.  We are now in month 31 of what man expected to be a three to six month prognosis…GOD’S MERCY! 

Doubt That God Loves Me; I have, since very early in our relationship, believed that Pat is one of God’s favorites.  In going through this journey it finally occurred to me that for that to be true, it means He has chosen me to care for someone He loves so much, which by extension can only mean He loves and trusts in me for Him to give me the commission of caring for His beloved.

The Fear of Leading an Anonymous Life; We have heard from so many people how much of an inspiration we are to them.  Pat, for her indomitable spirit and her courage, me, for my support of her and demonstrating an example of dedication and love.  The best complement I have received came from Pat’s cousin. We were watching a football game and he said “Floyd you might not find five cats in that whole stadium to stand up like you.  Friday night my Pastor said “there might not be that many”.  I am extremely grateful that they feel that way, but more-so I realize there are more people than I realized watching us, that now understand marriage and relationships are more than just “young love” and happily ever after, that promising to love, honor, obey, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…well sometimes it just may get put to the test.  Understanding that when you say those words, you aren’t just making that promise to the person standing next to you, you are really making that promise to God.  That I have stood in the face of adversity through my belief in God and that I have hopefully helped to make Pat’s journey a little easier, this has helped me to feel that mine was not a wasted life.

There are two lines from movies I like that this brings to mind, the first is; “We’re all put to the test.  But it never comes in the form or at the point we would prefer, does it?”
Charles Morse (from the movie The Edge)  This represents the challenges that unexpectedly arise in life such as what we’re facing and even though I would have preferred she not be going through this, there is no place or with anyone else, I’d rather be, right here, right now!

The second line is from Saving Private Ryan and it speaks to what I’m feeling now; “Tell me I have led a good life, tell me I am a good man”  Private Ryan to his wife at his present day return to Normandy.  He, as I, was seeking verification that the life lived, was not squandered and stood for something good.

So cancer has changed our lives, it has taken things from me.  Some of the things it has taken are things I loved and I mourn those.  Some are things I am better off without and for that I am thankful.  All my life I have been taught to look for the “Silver Lining”, who would have thought there could be a “Silver Lining” in something like this?  In closing, let me mention a couple of things cancer has given me; 1) A greater appreciation of the love shared between Pat and I and most of all; 2) A closer relationship and better understanding of God’s love.  I know on the face of things it may not seem like God’s love and cancer would go together but, from what we have heard form people who have watched us go through this journey God’s love and the love Pat and I share has given them inspiration and hope and faith and for that we thank God.

Floyd

¹⁷But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children;

 ¹⁸To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them.

 ¹⁹The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his kingdom ruleth over all.  Psalm 103 17-19

Caged Bird

I was watching Pat the other day, she was staring out the window with a faraway, wistful look in her eyes.  She has been unable to go outside since December 16th because of her condition.  She cannot go up and down the stairs so she hasn’t been outside.  I could only imagine what she might be thinking, maybe what it would be like to stroll down the sidewalk, to take a drive, to be with Marley, to be whole and well again.  It was something she could not or would not, verbalize, and my whole being hurts to it’s core that I could not figure it out and give it to her.  It made me think of this poem;

Paul Laurence Dunbar

Sympathy

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals–
I know what the caged bird feels!

I know why the caged bird beats his wing
Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting–
I know why he beats his wing!

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,–
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart’s deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings–
I know why the caged bird sings!

For those of you who may not know, Mr. Dunbar was a poet who died in 1906, whose father served in the Massachusetts 56th during the Civil War, (the Military Unit the movie “Glory” was about)  This poem was the inspiration for the title of Maya Angelou’s autobiography “I know Why the Caged Bird Sings”  But these are all stories for another time.

Pat is doing OK, all things considered.  She has started mixing her dream-life with real life from time to time but physically she seems to be doing fine.  She is still on oxygen 24/7, and still cannot walk more than a few steps without laboring in her breathing and her appetite leaves much to be desired, but as always she is in God’s hands and I can’t think of a better place for her.   We are still unceasingly prayerful that there is still one more miracle healing in store for her and I hear from all of you that you are praying for that too.  Thank you.  It never seems to be enough to just say thank you but I hope you know how much your prayers and thoughts mean to us, for that it is one of the places I go to draw strength, realizing there are so many people standing with us.

This post is being written over a period of a few days and since I wrote the above paragraphs there have been some victories and setbacks.  Pat has been able to walk around with out the wheelchair now and again, but her communication has become more difficult and following instruction has been more difficult for her.  (Perhaps it’s just that she is just tired of talking to me?!)  She has had some swelling of her left arm which has been there for a couple days.

She had a cousin fly down this weekend from the Bay Area just to spend a few hours with her.  It was just great to see her interact with her cousins.

As for me, I am not getting enough sleep, I could probably use some exercise, I miss Marley tremendously and I miss all of you. But I soldier on  and I am still determined to claim God’s favor for our future.  I have seen God work miracles in our lives from the beginning of relationship until now.  So no matter how bad the medical report, I believe God’s report; God said “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans for a hope and for a future.”  I must believe that, until God Himself tells me to believe something else.

Floyd

^{Psalm 37, 3-6}

³ Trust in the LORD, and do good;
Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
⁴ Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass.
⁶ He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
And your justice as the noonday.

What History Has Taught Me

Happy New Year,

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. ² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. ³ He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD.

Wow, what a New Years celebration.  We were blessed by a number of visits from friends this past week that culminated in a marathon visit on New Year’s eve from the Musac’s who drove down from Pahrump and spent most of the day with us, Pat’s mom and nephew Sonny, her aunt Barbara Mae, two of her children, Lisa and Kim and Kim’s lady, Nora.  Also my mother and my sister, Michelle, were here as well as our friends Nadirah and Marvin who came earlier in the week.  It was such a blessing and I know it lifted Pat’s spirits to see such an outpouring of love and support (plus I know she’s sick of hearing me tell her what to do all the time ;)!)

To the Musac’s in particular, all I can say is Thank You So Much, You guys are the best!  We love you!

I have done a bit of reading in my life, and I have found that a few of the things I have read have helped me to deal with what is going on in my life as we walk this journey.  I served in the military and have always found stories  about military campaigns and strategies fascinating.  Recently a couple came to mind that I can apply to what Pat and I are going through now.

In 1836 in a little village in what was then a disputed province of Mexico a siege began which would shape the course of this country and the the country south of us.  It was a place called Bexar.  You may have heard of it as the battle of the Alamo.  It is a story of heroism and bravery of a small band of men determined to hold onto this small piece of ground.  They were severely outnumbered and out gunned but they were determined to fight to the very last man if necessary.  The leader of the defenders called them together just before they were surrounded and said to them ” We probably will not survive this battle so anyone willing to stand beside me and fight to the end step over this line”.  It is said all but one did so.  They were attacked early in the morning of March 6th after 12 days of bombardment and siege.  They were under constant bombardment for several days until 10:00P.M. the night before the final attack.  Being exhausted by the constant shelling, they fell into a deep sleep, as planned by the Mexican Commander, soon after the shelling stopped.  This allowed the attacking force to sneak up close enough to kill the sleeping guards and to launch the surprise attack just before dawn.  Although defended by less than 250 men, they fought bravely against an attacking force of 2400 soldiers, inflicting heavy casualties on them until  finally being overrun.  The 50 or so surviving defenders were executed under a “no quarter” rule that was put into effect by General Santa Ana.  Although this was a military defeat for the Texians as they were called, it was, in effect the catalyst for the eventual victory in the war for Texas.

Almost one hundred nine years later in a small town near Antwerp, Belgium, one of the most important battles of the second world war took place over a period of about six weeks.  It included an approximately 19 day siege of a town called Bastogne.  Bastogne controlled a crossroad of seven roads that converged at the town, so it was a critical objective in the German battle plan.  When the town was surrounded, the German commander sent a communique to they allies asking for their surrender.  The American general’s reply was short and succinct, “NUTS” he said (i.e. “Go to hell”).  The allied force fought and held until General Patton’s force broke through the southern flank of the German line, effectively ending the siege of Bastogne and the German offensive and hastening the allied victory of the war in Europe.

What has this to do with “Our Journey”?  Well I feel like Pat and I have been “under siege” for the last two and a half years.  At times it has felt like the Alamo, non-winnable at times but we are willing to fight until the last breath, and sometimes like Bastogne, where our only choice is to tell the enemy “Nuts”.  All I know is with God’s Help, we have, and will continue, to fight to the last breath.

I read this in Wikipedia while researching the aforementioned battles; Last Stand:

Last stands loom large in history due to the pull on popular imagination. Historian Nathaniel Philbrick argues:^[11]

Long before Custer died at the Little Bighorn, the myth of the Last Stand already had a strong pull on human emotions, and on the way we like to remember history. The variations are endless — from the three hundred Spartans at Thermopylae to Davy Crockett at the Alamo — but they all tell the story of a brave and intractable hero leading his tiny band against a numberless foe. Even though the odds are overwhelming, the hero and his followers fight on nobly to the end and are slaughtered to a man. In defeat the hero of the Last Stand achieves the greatest of victories, since he will be remembered for all time.

I will remember this battle Pat is fighting, for she is my intractable hero, and I will be proud I was selected by God to stand and fight beside her and whether our battle turns out as the “Battle of the Alamo” or the “Battle of Bastogne”, we will stand beside God, victorious.

Floyd

Psalm 26

A Psalm of David.

 ¹ Vindicate me, O LORD,
         For I have walked in my integrity.
         I have also trusted in the LORD;
         I shall not slip.
 ² Examine me, O LORD, and prove me;
         Try my mind and my heart.
 ³ For Your lovingkindness is before my eyes,
         And I have walked in Your truth.
 ⁴ I have not sat with idolatrous mortals,
         Nor will I go in with hypocrites.
 ⁵ I have hated the assembly of evildoers,
         And will not sit with the wicked.

 ⁶ I will wash my hands in innocence;
         So I will go about Your altar, O LORD,
 ⁷ That I may proclaim with the voice of thanksgiving,
         And tell of all Your wondrous works.
 ⁸ LORD, I have loved the habitation of Your house,
         And the place where Your glory dwells.

 ⁹ Do not gather my soul with sinners,
         Nor my life with bloodthirsty men,
 ¹⁰ In whose hands is a sinister scheme,
         And whose right hand is full of bribes.

 ¹¹ But as for me, I will walk in my integrity;
         Redeem me and be merciful to me.
 ¹² My foot stands in an even place;
         In the congregations I will bless the LORD.

Hospice

 Psalm 22: 19-21
¹⁹ But You, O LORD, do not be far from Me;
         O My Strength, hasten to help Me!
 ²⁰ Deliver Me from the sword,
         My precious life from the power of the dog.
 ²¹ Save Me from the lion’s mouth
         And from the horns of the wild oxen!         
         You have answered Me.

Here I sit at my computer trying to take in all that has happened in the last week.  I have had the report from City of Hope saying there is nothing else they can do for her.  I have met with the Hospice people three days this week, the case nurse that did the intake, which involves asking about “end of life” choices. The social worker that explained Hospice is not about taking away hope but insuring that all our needs and wishes are met if and until it comes to that.  The case-worker nurse in charge of our “case” explaining how they are there for me when I get tired and need someone to do certain personal things for Pat even after I told them I will never get tired of doing what needs to be done for her no matter what her experience has shown.  I actually felt offended that she stated,”You don’t know”, that “Pat has not been in this condition before”, and that “You will get tired” is what she kept repeating.  She has no clue what Pat and I have been through, how Pat has indeed been weaker than she is now and that I bathed her and carried her and cared for her all this time, I think I know better than she, what I can and can’t do.  How do you get tired of doing something you love to do, for someone you love?  Just last night she sent me on a twenty mile journey (one way) for a food item she wanted.  I couldn’t say no even knowing she probably wouldn’t eat more than a couple bites before getting full.  It gave me a chance to call and talk to a good friend of ours I’ve known since high school, about the condition she is in and all that we are dealing with now.  It was a conversation I needed to have.

Pat’s condition has gotten to the point where it is difficult for her to walk to the bathroom, about 20 steps or so, without being totally winded.  It is so difficult to see her go through this, and believe me without knowing through faith, that when her journey is done here she will be with the Lord in Heaven, no more pain, no more sorrow, no, without knowing this I could not deal with this.

You can’t imagine how hard this is, I am still praying for the Lord to show me one more miracle, but I am also now at peace knowing that he has shown me several miracles, in our life, and on this journey in particular and I know that His will is perfect and not meant for our harm but for our good.  I continue to trust that whatever He has in store for us that we will get through this together, He, Pat and I. Thank you Father, I praise you now and forever, Amen.

Floyd

Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

 ¹ The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

Pat and Floyd

Thank all of you for your continuous Prayers, they have gotten us this far!

City of Hope

^{II Corinthians 1:3-4}

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

I had a conversation with my good friend last week about the short amount of time we have on this earth.  He said it seemed so unfair to spend such a short time here and then you’re gone.  I told him “I have to believe that when we leave this life, we will be going to be with our Lord in heaven”.  I have to believe that, it’s the only way I can make sense of this life.  It is what has kept me steadfastly doing what I do for Pat all this time (besides the unfathomable love we share for each other).  You see it wouldn’t make sense for her to go through all the things she has dealt with throughout these past 29 months, the struggles, the setbacks and then the victories without knowing that at the end of the road of our time here He won’t be there to welcome us with “Well done my good and faithful servant”! (Wow, as I’m writing this Pandora is playing a song called “The Line Between the Two” by Mark Harris), the final chorus says;

^{I could live a life for just myself ,}

^{or I could live a life for someone else,}

^{But I’ll live and die just to hear you say}

^{Well done my son come and be with Me}

That is so moment-appropriate isn’t it? So you see I have absolutely no choice after all I have seen, not to believe.  Thank you Lord.

So now to what has occurred this past couple weeks.  It took my mechanic until the end of the week to fix the car, it turned out to be that a chain had jumped two teeth on one of the sprockets, bad but not as bad as it could have been, it didn’t bend any valves which would have been BAD!  The reason it took so long is they had to replace a vast number of gaskets and a few parts like airflow sensors and some other stuff which helped but didn’t solve the problem until he pulled the valve cover and found that broken part.  Now that it’s fixed it runs really well.  We had a few days to see Marley and look at the house.  Man, it was cold when we got there, the pond was frozen over but it melted while we were there, but the fish were basically “sleep” so no food for them.

Well I caught one.  I can’t believe it, a cold.  The last time I can remember having a cold, I was still working for Teleservice Center, prior to the Gulf War…the first one, circa 1990.  I know it was because I took a hot shower that night and went straight to bed, not knowing the temperature of the waterbed was still very low.  I have also been stressed with all that is going on (really?!) although I try not to admit to it or show it.  Pat on the other-hand if you ask her is “just fine!” (I keep telling you, despite all she’s going through, she is still one of God’s favorites)   She and I have been together pretty much, 24/7 for the past 12 years (since retiring, minus the short time I when back to work) so I think our immune systems are in sync, so to speak and I don’t believe she will “catch” my cold.

She has been have problems breathing since before Thanksgiving, and unfortunately they aren’t getting any better.  She is using the oxygen 24/7 right now but I am getting ahead of myself.  Last post I said we were looking for other options, seeking other opinions.  We saw one of the best Oncologists in L.A. and a Lung specialist as well.  They were very good about explaining what man’s medicine cannot do for Pat at this point, although they did say looking at Pat’s history, amazement, is how they would describe that Pat has had the quality of life she has had for so long.  the lung specialist said the expected prognosis for her would have been 3-6 months, but here we are at month 29, to the day.  The oncologist finally said there were a couple of chemo drugs that were left to try but he didn’t hold much hope that they wouldn’t do more harm than good.  They are running DNA tests to see if she has one of two genetic markers that would allow them to use new targeted therapy drugs but Pat doesn’t fit the demographic category for either so they don’t feel there’s much of a chance there, but they are checking anyway.  All throughout this process we kept hearing that it was amazing, surprising that she has had the quality and length of life that she has had to this point.  Praise God for that!

We went to City of Hope today to see a specialist there.  She discussed all the things affecting Pat at this time talked about the forms of chemo available and what their possible benefits and detriments could be.  She explained that because Pat has had three separate and distinct rounds of chemotherapy, radiation to the brain after the surgery and now a return of tumors  to her brain, there are no clinical studies that she would qualify for.  The doctor’s belief is that while there are those drugs that she could prescribe, neither would improve the quality of her life, nor lengthen her life.  So, she agrees with our oncologist that the proper course of action at this time is to let nature take it’s course and take advantage of hospice care.  Not the kind of Hope I was expecting from “City of Hope”.

However, Pat and I are asking God to hear our claims for the miracle healing that only He can now provide.  We have not and will not give up, and can only say;

“O Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will but, as you will.”

This journey has been full of miracles great and small, has shown us God’s hands in the works many times and has solidified my belief in His Word.  I continue to claim healing and understand that He is by my side always and will never leave me alone no matter what;

Revelation 21:4

^{4 f}And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; ^gthere shall be no more death, ^hnor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Thank all of you that have been on this Journey with us, don’t give up and don’t stop praying, we haven’t.

Floyd

We Could Really Use Your Prayers

Psalm 17

A Prayer of David.

 ¹ Hear a just cause, O LORD,
         Attend to my cry;
         Give ear to my prayer which is not from deceitful lips.
 ² Let my vindication come from Your presence;
         Let Your eyes look on the things that are upright.

It is Thursday, December 1, 2011.  This month is Jimmy V’ month, Jimmy Valvano, the college Basketball coach who said “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” and this is the most difficult post I have ever had to write.

We got news from our oncologist from the MRI and CT scan.  The test results were such that the oncologist has decided it would be best to stop Pat’s chemo treatments.  Pat and I are looking for other options, we have NOT given up on a recovery.   We are determined to fight to the last breath,  We are and will remain faithful to God that his wisdom is infinite and His will be done.  We are seeking opinions and options from other medical professionals for in the final measure, we are confident that God’s will for our lives is what is best.  The true test of your faith comes not when things are going well, but when things are looking their worst.  We still ask for  your prayers, and we pray that all is going well with you.

Jim Valvano said;

To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.

Floyd

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.