Grey’s Anatomy

This was written but not published, the first week of April, as I had some ISSUES I was struggling with.
Psalm 34

1 I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul makes its boast in the Lord;
let the humble hear and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

You know how you get points against your drivers license for violations?  Well this next admission will probably get me points against my “Man Card”.  I am hooked on reruns of Greys Anatomy.  Now in my defense, I have a very good reason for this; I woke up about six months ago a little after midnight to find Pat was watching TV.  At that time it was unusual for her to be awake that late, so I asked her “What are you watching?”  She said “This” and pointed at the TV.  It was Grey’s Anatomy.  I thought it was strange as we had never watched that program, ever.  I asked her why she was watching it and she said “She has what I have”  It was an episode about Dr. Isabella (Izzie) Stevens having aphasia after her brain surgery.  Well every since then I’ve been stuck on Grey’s Anatomy.  I saw an episode the other day that had some sage advice I plan to take to heart.  It was given from a patient, who was also a Dr., to the neurosurgeon just before he was to operate on his “inoperable tumor”.  Operating on this tumor would probably at best, result in him being a paraplegic or kill him at worst.  The neurosurgeon had told him the tumor couldn’t be removed without cutting a nerve in his spiral cord resulting in paralysis, and he told him it seemed there was just no way around it.  To this the patient said; “There is always a way.  When things look like there’s no way, there is always a way.  To do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable, there is always a way.  We are inspired,  In the face of the impossible, we are inspired.  Today when you become frightened, instead become inspired.”

Something I couldn’t help but notice is how Pat’s world is shrinking.  Three years ago The world was her oyster, then the diagnosis shrank it to trips back and forth between our place in NV., the infusion room and the home in Fontana.  After the treatment stopped , it became the second floor of the house in Fontana.  As her condition worsened it was the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom by wheelchair, with an occasional trip into the den area to watch television.  Now it’s down to a twin size hospital bed.  Wow…

8:30 pm every night an alarm goes off on my phone.  It use to start a nightly regimen of giving Pat her nightly medications.  1 pill every half-hour for a total of 4 pills.  Pat has been so blessed in that she only needed two types of pain medications along with a vitamin and a pill to help regulate her.  However since about 3 weeks ago she stopped swallowing her pills, choosing instead to hold them in her mouth until the capsule melted or the protective covering dissolved resulting in the worst “bitter beer face” EVER! (remember that commercial?)   Now even though she no longer takes the pills, as we have switched to liquid pain suppressants, I can’t bring myself to cancel the alarm.  It’s funny how it has become such an integral part of my life.  It’s as though turning it off will cut out another part of our life.

Last  week I went to see my dentist in Riverside.  I had this filling that had lost a small grain-sized piece at first but the hole was getting larger each week.  I figured I had better get it taken care of before it started to hurt, you know, five minutes after the dentist’s office closed, on a Friday.  Anyway three weeks ago he fitted it for a crown.  He gave me a temporary crown and told me to come back in 2 weeks for the permanent, so last week I returned to have him complete the job.  We had some down time, so we talked about our situations, his trials with his home life and mine with Pat’s illness.  I gave him a hard copy of “What Cancer Has Taken” which he started reading and became so emotional he had to stop.  I told him how a friend, a few years back had told me, “Floyd you don’t know how good you have it.  Both your parents are still alive and in good health, your family is doing great”, basically he was saying life was good for me.  We talked not too long ago and he said to me “Man I’m sorry I ever said that to you, as this has got to be tougher than what I went through.”  My dentist looked at me and said simply “Job, you are going through the trials of Job”.  Hopefully, with God’s help I will pass these trials like Job.  And like Job, I don’t blame God for our troubles, but the enemy!  Also like Job, I plan to stay in faith and come out the other side with increased blessings.

It is said, the most powerful sense is your sense of smell.  I stopped by the infusion  room on my way home to give them a copy of my aforementioned blog post, and as soon as I walked into the building, in my mind’s eye I was transported back to the time we were making the trips to chemo sessions.  Now mind you I hadn’t been in that building since Pat’s last treatment, the day before Thanksgiving, and the only way to explain it is, it smelled like … hope.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said there are 5 stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  Pat’s nurse and I talked about this and she said I would have to go through all these phases, even if I skipped one, I would come back to it at some point.  I said didn’t believe I had actually done them, but in thinking back I started to realize I had gone through them.  We had a quick moment of disbelief when the Dr. first told us Pat had the tumor, so I guess that could qualify as denial.  The Anger, no I made a conscious decision that first night that I would not be angry, anger doesn’t help, it interferes with your decision-making process and I knew I had to be able to make great decisions, not just good decisions if I was to do the best job possible of helping Pat defeat this.  But I have come to realize I do have anger, not about the disease but at some of the things going on outside of Pat and I.  Suddenly I realized I am angry about how certain people are not respecting boundaries and refusing to comply with requests to not do certain things that interfere with my ability to give Pat the best care possible.  But this is probably not the proper forum to discuss that in detail, so I will move on.  Bargaining was easy, we just asked God to strengthen us and guide us and we would give him all the glory.  Depression…I told the nurse, “I don’t do depression, I have had to deal with a period in my life where I was depressed and I didn’t like it, I promised myself I would never do depression again”.  She said “That may be the one you come back to”.  Later in the conversation I told her I have been gaining weight due to “nervous eating”.  Then it hit me and we laughed as we realized at the same time , depression sometimes presents itself in overeating.  As far as Acceptance, we will see. What I have accepted is that God is in charge, and I will accept his perfect will.

Psalm 46:1-3 says; ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging. 

⁷ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Floyd