What Cancer Has Taken

“And let us not be weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”

The other night was another semi-sleepless night for me.  I went to bed before 11:00 P.M. but by 2:00 A.M. I was wide awake.  So I lay there wondering, “Did God awaken me for a specific reason?”  Is there something I am missing or is Pat having some difficulty I need to be awake to hear?  Well, she seemed to be sleeping well, about nineteen breaths per minute fairly deep, rhythmic if somewhat labored.  So I started asking God, “What is it you want from me?  I cried out to him, “Am I not doing what you want of me?  Is there something I AM MISSING?!  For the first time I wondered out loud “Are you dissatisfied with me?”  I asked “Why are you allowing Pat’s ability to communicate, the thing on this earth I love more than anything to be taken from her?”  I say that because Pat is now in a state where she cannot communicate her thoughts vocally on a regular basis.  She has moments of clarity surrounded by periods of sleep and times of listless quiet.  I watch her as she is slowly starting to retreat into herself, and I pray to God that she doesn’t forget who I am.

This led me to realize that lately I have been thinking of how many things this cancer has taken away from us. Here is a list I’ve come up with, not necessarily in order of importance but closer to the order lost.

• The world as we knew it;

Our doctor look at Pat and said, “There is a mass in your brain …” and so it began, our world would never be the same.

• My Driving Partner

That same night the doctor said, “you can’t go across the street to get anything to eat, I’m admitting you to the hospital immediately”.  She has not been behind the wheel of a vehicle since.

• The Ability to Plan Ahead

Once this started, we could not plan for the next week much less for the “future”.

• My Wife’s Beautiful Locks

I wanted to cut my hair in support of her when she started losing her hair but she wouldn’t allow me to do so.

• My Teacher

There are so many things my wife has taught me, not the least of which was how to be a man.   I was such an immature kid when we met but over the years, I have become the person I am today, in spite of myself.  I’ve also become a pretty good cook hanging out with her.

• My Conversationalist

Each day she becomes more and more withdrawn, holding a conversation is now almost impossible.   But I talk in hopes that she understands and knows I love her.

• My Finance Manager

Pat has always handled the money, I have a new appreciation for that now.

• Intimacy

T.M.I. (Hugging is still considered intimacy right?)

• MARLEY!

• Travel

I’m so glad we got to go to the reunion in Fresno.  It was a great trip and she really enjoyed it.

I have some other things I surprisingly realize cancer has taken from me, the first being;

The Tendency to Take Life For Granted; To blow through a day not experiencing the preciousness of each moment.

Selfishness; I have learned to place the needs of Pat way ahead of my wants and desires.  Things that used to seem important to me, that I may have started an argument over, just don’t seem that important anymore.  I used to feel that having my way an equal amount of times as her was really important, an affront to my manhood so to speak, if I didn’t get “my way” as much as I perceived her to get hers.  Now I see that getting my way isn’t really that big a deal anymore, it doesn’t make me any less of a man to not get my way, in fact in the grand scheme of things God may be watching to see how I handle these situations, to see if I am learning humility in His way.  Remember Jesus washed the feet of his disciples to prove this principle.

Anger; Except for a couple or three minor frustration outbursts (and outbursts may be too strong a word) I have learned anger is not my friend.  I have been surprisingly calm in the face of this storm.  I know they said there are several stages of grief you are suppose to go through but I have to say anger about this situation is not one we have had.  I have learned through faith “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”  Proverbs 16:32, KJV  I have, since Pat and I have been together, believed; “. . . let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil . . . Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:26b-27, 31-32, KJV  What has always been my answer when asked “What’s the secret to the longevity of your relationship?” is never go to bed angry with each other, stay up all night if you have to, but work it out.

Doubt in God’s Grace;  I have seen God’s grace in action so many times during this journey, there is no doubt God’s favor is active in my life.  Most recently the way the car, although it broke down, happened right in front of the house, instead of in the middle of desert where there isn’t any cell service.  I also watched as Pat seemingly spoke to her guardian angel a few days after her brain surgery as the neurosurgeon said he was within moments of having to reopen her head to relieve the pressure of her brain swelling.  God’s grace exists, period.

Doubt That God’s Mercy Exists; I am now convinced that I will, no I have, received God’s mercy for I understand that only by the sacrifice of Jesus  on the cross for my sins am I saved.  Going through this has shown me that not only am I forgiven but I am living under the favor of God.  We are now in month 31 of what man expected to be a three to six month prognosis…GOD’S MERCY! 

Doubt That God Loves Me; I have, since very early in our relationship, believed that Pat is one of God’s favorites.  In going through this journey it finally occurred to me that for that to be true, it means He has chosen me to care for someone He loves so much, which by extension can only mean He loves and trusts in me for Him to give me the commission of caring for His beloved.

The Fear of Leading an Anonymous Life; We have heard from so many people how much of an inspiration we are to them.  Pat, for her indomitable spirit and her courage, me, for my support of her and demonstrating an example of dedication and love.  The best complement I have received came from Pat’s cousin. We were watching a football game and he said “Floyd you might not find five cats in that whole stadium to stand up like you.  Friday night my Pastor said “there might not be that many”.  I am extremely grateful that they feel that way, but more-so I realize there are more people than I realized watching us, that now understand marriage and relationships are more than just “young love” and happily ever after, that promising to love, honor, obey, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…well sometimes it just may get put to the test.  Understanding that when you say those words, you aren’t just making that promise to the person standing next to you, you are really making that promise to God.  That I have stood in the face of adversity through my belief in God and that I have hopefully helped to make Pat’s journey a little easier, this has helped me to feel that mine was not a wasted life.

There are two lines from movies I like that this brings to mind, the first is; “We’re all put to the test.  But it never comes in the form or at the point we would prefer, does it?”
Charles Morse (from the movie The Edge)  This represents the challenges that unexpectedly arise in life such as what we’re facing and even though I would have preferred she not be going through this, there is no place or with anyone else, I’d rather be, right here, right now!

The second line is from Saving Private Ryan and it speaks to what I’m feeling now; “Tell me I have led a good life, tell me I am a good man”  Private Ryan to his wife at his present day return to Normandy.  He, as I, was seeking verification that the life lived, was not squandered and stood for something good.

So cancer has changed our lives, it has taken things from me.  Some of the things it has taken are things I loved and I mourn those.  Some are things I am better off without and for that I am thankful.  All my life I have been taught to look for the “Silver Lining”, who would have thought there could be a “Silver Lining” in something like this?  In closing, let me mention a couple of things cancer has given me; 1) A greater appreciation of the love shared between Pat and I and most of all; 2) A closer relationship and better understanding of God’s love.  I know on the face of things it may not seem like God’s love and cancer would go together but, from what we have heard form people who have watched us go through this journey God’s love and the love Pat and I share has given them inspiration and hope and faith and for that we thank God.

Floyd

¹⁷But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children;

 ¹⁸To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them.

 ¹⁹The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his kingdom ruleth over all.  Psalm 103 17-19