Hospice

 Psalm 22: 19-21
¹⁹ But You, O LORD, do not be far from Me;
         O My Strength, hasten to help Me!
 ²⁰ Deliver Me from the sword,
         My precious life from the power of the dog.
 ²¹ Save Me from the lion’s mouth
         And from the horns of the wild oxen!         
         You have answered Me.

Here I sit at my computer trying to take in all that has happened in the last week.  I have had the report from City of Hope saying there is nothing else they can do for her.  I have met with the Hospice people three days this week, the case nurse that did the intake, which involves asking about “end of life” choices. The social worker that explained Hospice is not about taking away hope but insuring that all our needs and wishes are met if and until it comes to that.  The case-worker nurse in charge of our “case” explaining how they are there for me when I get tired and need someone to do certain personal things for Pat even after I told them I will never get tired of doing what needs to be done for her no matter what her experience has shown.  I actually felt offended that she stated,”You don’t know”, that “Pat has not been in this condition before”, and that “You will get tired” is what she kept repeating.  She has no clue what Pat and I have been through, how Pat has indeed been weaker than she is now and that I bathed her and carried her and cared for her all this time, I think I know better than she, what I can and can’t do.  How do you get tired of doing something you love to do, for someone you love?  Just last night she sent me on a twenty mile journey (one way) for a food item she wanted.  I couldn’t say no even knowing she probably wouldn’t eat more than a couple bites before getting full.  It gave me a chance to call and talk to a good friend of ours I’ve known since high school, about the condition she is in and all that we are dealing with now.  It was a conversation I needed to have.

Pat’s condition has gotten to the point where it is difficult for her to walk to the bathroom, about 20 steps or so, without being totally winded.  It is so difficult to see her go through this, and believe me without knowing through faith, that when her journey is done here she will be with the Lord in Heaven, no more pain, no more sorrow, no, without knowing this I could not deal with this.

You can’t imagine how hard this is, I am still praying for the Lord to show me one more miracle, but I am also now at peace knowing that he has shown me several miracles, in our life, and on this journey in particular and I know that His will is perfect and not meant for our harm but for our good.  I continue to trust that whatever He has in store for us that we will get through this together, He, Pat and I. Thank you Father, I praise you now and forever, Amen.

Floyd

Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

 ¹ The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

Pat and Floyd

Thank all of you for your continuous Prayers, they have gotten us this far!

City of Hope

^{II Corinthians 1:3-4}

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

I had a conversation with my good friend last week about the short amount of time we have on this earth.  He said it seemed so unfair to spend such a short time here and then you’re gone.  I told him “I have to believe that when we leave this life, we will be going to be with our Lord in heaven”.  I have to believe that, it’s the only way I can make sense of this life.  It is what has kept me steadfastly doing what I do for Pat all this time (besides the unfathomable love we share for each other).  You see it wouldn’t make sense for her to go through all the things she has dealt with throughout these past 29 months, the struggles, the setbacks and then the victories without knowing that at the end of the road of our time here He won’t be there to welcome us with “Well done my good and faithful servant”! (Wow, as I’m writing this Pandora is playing a song called “The Line Between the Two” by Mark Harris), the final chorus says;

^{I could live a life for just myself ,}

^{or I could live a life for someone else,}

^{But I’ll live and die just to hear you say}

^{Well done my son come and be with Me}

That is so moment-appropriate isn’t it? So you see I have absolutely no choice after all I have seen, not to believe.  Thank you Lord.

So now to what has occurred this past couple weeks.  It took my mechanic until the end of the week to fix the car, it turned out to be that a chain had jumped two teeth on one of the sprockets, bad but not as bad as it could have been, it didn’t bend any valves which would have been BAD!  The reason it took so long is they had to replace a vast number of gaskets and a few parts like airflow sensors and some other stuff which helped but didn’t solve the problem until he pulled the valve cover and found that broken part.  Now that it’s fixed it runs really well.  We had a few days to see Marley and look at the house.  Man, it was cold when we got there, the pond was frozen over but it melted while we were there, but the fish were basically “sleep” so no food for them.

Well I caught one.  I can’t believe it, a cold.  The last time I can remember having a cold, I was still working for Teleservice Center, prior to the Gulf War…the first one, circa 1990.  I know it was because I took a hot shower that night and went straight to bed, not knowing the temperature of the waterbed was still very low.  I have also been stressed with all that is going on (really?!) although I try not to admit to it or show it.  Pat on the other-hand if you ask her is “just fine!” (I keep telling you, despite all she’s going through, she is still one of God’s favorites)   She and I have been together pretty much, 24/7 for the past 12 years (since retiring, minus the short time I when back to work) so I think our immune systems are in sync, so to speak and I don’t believe she will “catch” my cold.

She has been have problems breathing since before Thanksgiving, and unfortunately they aren’t getting any better.  She is using the oxygen 24/7 right now but I am getting ahead of myself.  Last post I said we were looking for other options, seeking other opinions.  We saw one of the best Oncologists in L.A. and a Lung specialist as well.  They were very good about explaining what man’s medicine cannot do for Pat at this point, although they did say looking at Pat’s history, amazement, is how they would describe that Pat has had the quality of life she has had for so long.  the lung specialist said the expected prognosis for her would have been 3-6 months, but here we are at month 29, to the day.  The oncologist finally said there were a couple of chemo drugs that were left to try but he didn’t hold much hope that they wouldn’t do more harm than good.  They are running DNA tests to see if she has one of two genetic markers that would allow them to use new targeted therapy drugs but Pat doesn’t fit the demographic category for either so they don’t feel there’s much of a chance there, but they are checking anyway.  All throughout this process we kept hearing that it was amazing, surprising that she has had the quality and length of life that she has had to this point.  Praise God for that!

We went to City of Hope today to see a specialist there.  She discussed all the things affecting Pat at this time talked about the forms of chemo available and what their possible benefits and detriments could be.  She explained that because Pat has had three separate and distinct rounds of chemotherapy, radiation to the brain after the surgery and now a return of tumors  to her brain, there are no clinical studies that she would qualify for.  The doctor’s belief is that while there are those drugs that she could prescribe, neither would improve the quality of her life, nor lengthen her life.  So, she agrees with our oncologist that the proper course of action at this time is to let nature take it’s course and take advantage of hospice care.  Not the kind of Hope I was expecting from “City of Hope”.

However, Pat and I are asking God to hear our claims for the miracle healing that only He can now provide.  We have not and will not give up, and can only say;

“O Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will but, as you will.”

This journey has been full of miracles great and small, has shown us God’s hands in the works many times and has solidified my belief in His Word.  I continue to claim healing and understand that He is by my side always and will never leave me alone no matter what;

Revelation 21:4

^{4 f}And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; ^gthere shall be no more death, ^hnor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Thank all of you that have been on this Journey with us, don’t give up and don’t stop praying, we haven’t.

Floyd

We Could Really Use Your Prayers

Psalm 17

A Prayer of David.

 ¹ Hear a just cause, O LORD,
         Attend to my cry;
         Give ear to my prayer which is not from deceitful lips.
 ² Let my vindication come from Your presence;
         Let Your eyes look on the things that are upright.

It is Thursday, December 1, 2011.  This month is Jimmy V’ month, Jimmy Valvano, the college Basketball coach who said “Don’t give up, don’t ever give up” and this is the most difficult post I have ever had to write.

We got news from our oncologist from the MRI and CT scan.  The test results were such that the oncologist has decided it would be best to stop Pat’s chemo treatments.  Pat and I are looking for other options, we have NOT given up on a recovery.   We are determined to fight to the last breath,  We are and will remain faithful to God that his wisdom is infinite and His will be done.  We are seeking opinions and options from other medical professionals for in the final measure, we are confident that God’s will for our lives is what is best.  The true test of your faith comes not when things are going well, but when things are looking their worst.  We still ask for  your prayers, and we pray that all is going well with you.

Jim Valvano said;

To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.

Floyd

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord,” plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.