“Ducks In The Pond”

³⁰ As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him. ³¹ For who is God, except the Lord?  And who is a rock, except our God? ³² It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. ³³ He makes my feet like the feet of deer, And sets me on my high places. ³⁴ He teaches my hands to make war, So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. ³⁵ You have also given me the shield of Your salvation; Your right hand has held me up, Your gentleness has made me great. ³⁶ You enlarged my path under me, So my feet did not slip.  Psalm 18:30-36

It’s been four months since my “2012 In Review” post and except for my “Happy Birthday” post I have been silent as I continue to try to adjust to life without Pat.  I attend and assist with grief counseling and caregiver support groups and have officially become a “Volunteer Worker” for their Hospice program, I am still very active with my church; teaching 8th-12th grade Sunday school class and singing in the choir.

I wondered how I would deal with this first May, the first since 1979 without Pat.  Would I celebrate with happiness or sorrow?  Would I mark it as a milestone of several firsts?  Would I spend the day in sorrow, anger and regret or would I remember the love, the great times and the tender moments we shared?  Would I look back on this past year and see the progress time has brought?  I, in fact continue to do all of these things.  But let me share with you what I have learned and am still in the process of learning: Time does not heal all wounds.  Am I trying to “move on with my life?”  Yes.  Am I OK?  Define “OK.”  I still have moments of incredible loneliness, sometimes in the midst of people, during periods of happiness.  I can’t explain it and I try not to show it.  I realize my new reality is, my life is still defined by my time with Pat.  I can live with that, I can deal with that, I can cope with that.  I know she is never coming back, I am not delusional or in a constant state of “wishing she were still here.”  I recently told my sister, “My new reality understands that Pat and I are never going to be together again, not here nor in heaven.”  That is a reality that I must learn to function with in order to not let this loss totally destroy me.  I never got the opportunity to come home and let the enormity of what had happened sink in and to release all the emotion involved in that.  What I will have to do is to let it out slowly, bit by bit, until some feeling of normality comes to me.  Let me tell you something they tell you in grief counseling; basically, there will be 3 types of people around you as you go through your grieving.  The first group will be people that will help you; they will show up and see how you’re doing, they will sit with you and let you talk or cry, or not, they will take you out for a meal or a movie or just a distraction to take your mind off your grief for a couple hours or so.  They will be the ones you know you can depend on, can lean on.  The second group will neither help you nor harm you.  Those are the ones that may not know what to say or do, so they say things like “well she’s in a better place” and “you’ll see her again” and “let me know if there’s anything I can do for you”  They mean well, but it doesn’t help nor harm.  The third group, well they may say things like,  “maybe it’s time you should move on” and “Floyd it’s been a year, I think you should stop talking about Pat all the time” or “Yeah I lost my (insert relative) twenty years ago, it never gets better” or “I know how you feel, I was heartbroken when my dog died but I got me another one and I’m fine now” or again my favorite, “Well, time heals all wounds.”  Well I’m here to tell you, no… it doesn’t, at least not mine.  What it has done is slowly made the pain less intense, but my wound hasn’t healed and in my humble opinion, it shouldn’t.  What it should do is help me to realize I can go on, I can still function, I can survive.  I pray that those around me will understand that I have to work through this my way, and I pray they will be patient with me until the time arrives that I do.  But if they cannot, I wish them well, and I wish for them to be happy in their lives.  I have only one opportunity to get this right and I intend to do so.  (Wow, as I write that sentence, I remember my friend Clyde saying that to Pat and I on a trip we took to Utah in 2008, I believe.)

“A year has come ‘n’ gone since we heard the news ’bout Billie Joe

And Brother married Becky Thompson, they bought a store in Tupelo
There was a virus going ’round, Papa caught it and he died last Spring
And now Mama doesn’t seem to wanna do much of anything
And me, I spend a lot of time pickin’ flowers up on Choctaw Ridge

And drop them into the muddy water off the Tallahatchie Bridge”  Bobbie Gentry- Ode To Billie Joe

Music has played a big part in our Journey.  I remember the song Pat sang coming out of her crisis from the brain surgery.  That let me know God had sent an angel to be personally involved in her care.  I remember the trip to Pat’s chemo when she changed the music we had been listening to in the car.  She started listening to some of her old music and I watched a change for the better in her condition start on that trip.  I remember the song by Brian McKnight that played on another one of those trips that Pat asked me when it finished, “CAN YOU JUST LOVE ME THE REST OF MY LIFE?”  I remember when she started listening to gospel music on the computer every night when she became bedridden and how that seemed to bring her peace and helped her to fall asleep.  I remember choosing the recorded music for her service.  I remember the young neighbor that played the piano before the beginning of her service in California.  I remember the songs sung by “For His Grace” ensemble, my niece and my cousin during that service.  I remember the song played at the start of the memorial service here in Pahrump and my mother asking me if I was alright and me answering her; “If I get through this song I’ll be OK.” That song was “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell and I did make it through it and I was OK.  Every time I hear that song I see Pat, the last days of her life, fighting to hold on to … Her life ebbing away and her body slowly surrendering to the ravages of the dreaded cancer, the balance between life and death slowly but unrelentingly moving toward death.  The song says “I know you have a little life in you yet, I know you’ve got a lot of strength left, I know you’ve got a little life in you, I know you’ve got a lot of strength left.”  Every time I hear those words I see her laying there, fighting like King Leonidas, having more strength than life, knowing the inevitable end was coming but also knowing the glory that awaited her.  I, on the other hand as the song says;

“I’ll stand outside,This woman’s work
This woman’s work
Ooh it’s hard on a man
Now his part is over
Now starts the craft of the father

And yes I stood with my part all but over, giving what comfort I could but at the same time just in utter awe at the strength and resolve she displayed.  I never sensed any fear from her, only that she was so concerned about those of us she was leaving behind and the resolution that she was going to do this her way.  I can only hope that when my time comes I can face it with the courage and grit with which she handled it.

Pat used to wake up almost every morning with the words “Lord, thank you for another day.” I try to say that at least once a day, and to think it throughout the day.  As I arrive at this first anniversary of her transition, I try to assess where I am in my healing and I can’t honestly fully answer that question.  I am trying to “move forward” but I can’t seem to feel that life has that “true happiness” waiting for me.  I want to “live” again, I truly want to love again… but right now, today, I just feel I will never be the same, not be able to open my heart the way it was and that hurts because I know Pat would want me to be happy and I know that the new person in my life deserves that.  But I can’t force or fake what isn’t there, to be there.  All I can do is be as honest as I can be, to say “Today, I feel I have nothing there to give, but I can give what I have.”  I never wanted to be one of “those guys” the ones afraid of commitment but I can’t rush into something I am not ready for, only to have both parties hurt in the end.

So as I wade through the month of May, I am preparing to deal with what I expect to be a deeply emotional month: the anniversaries of, her birthday on the 1^st, her passing on the 15^th, her funeral and burial on the 25^th and 26^th.  Maybe this will be the beginning of “you’ll get over it.”  Yeah, maybe…

I should be cryin’ but I just can’t let it show baby 
I should be hopin’ but I can’t stop thinkin 
All the things we should’ve said that we never said
All the things we should’ve done that we never did
All the things that you wanted from me
All the things that you needed from me
All the things we should’ve given, but I didn’t
Oh darlin’, make it go away now, 
Just make it go away. Maxwell- This Woman’s Work

So by now, if you haven’t forgotten, you are probably asking “What does this have to do with “Ducks in the Pond?”  Well it’s spring and a pair of mallards have adopted my pond.  A pair of sparrows have prepared a nest under the fan on the patio.  I see baby bunnies running around the yard (sometimes with Marley in hot pursuit.)  I see a roadrunner with a lizard in it’s beak, feeding its chick.  I have heard a frog near my pond I thought was dead or gone.  There is new life everywhere and the preparation for new life everywhere.  Maybe that is my cue, to look for new life, and to embrace new life, to not be afraid to release the hold I have on my old life.  There is no disrespect in attempting to carve out a new life for myself.  I must be true to myself, and I must be true to everyone else.  This is my opportunity to live free, to fulfill the promise we made to each other to live the rest of our life in honor of the departed spouse.

So, we will see how this month goes; see what God has in store for me, what challenges and rewards He will place in my path.  My intention is like “Ducks in the Pond” to prepare for new life.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.  Mumford and Sons-After the Storm

Be Blessed,

Floyd

Happy Birthday

May 1st is Pat’s birthday, she would have been 61 this year.  It doesn’t seem like it’s been almost a year, but at the same time it feels like forever since that last time she said “I love you” and we cried together.   I can  remember last year, singing happy birthday to her and giving her a little taste of cake while sitting with her, but by this time she was barely able to stay awake, and when she woke she was complaining of pain in her back, from the post hepatic nerve syndrome.  I gave her her back-rub she liked so much and she fell back to sleep after a while.  But by then she was barely eating and she didn’t talk much.  I knew she was preparing to leave and I was trying to prepare for life without her. I didn’t know it would be exactly two weeks later…

Today I prepare to spend the marking of that day without her for the first time since 1978.  I don’t know how it will go, I just know that it will.  Pat is now in heaven, healthy, happy and whole.  I can’t imagine how beautiful that must be but I am glad she is there, knowing her, shining and praising and reveling in the glory of the Lord’s presence.  I have no card to give her so I will try to say what would be on that card if I had one.

I am no Hallmark, but here goes;

We had time together no one can imagine.  We shared love and emotions no one could fathom.  Our time together was much too short.  Our time apart an eternity.   I relish the things we did, the things we said, the dreams we dreamed and the life we built together.  I mourn the losses, the wasted moments, the plans unfulfilled and the tears we shed.  But all in all, each and every minute, every hour, every day will remain with me until I have left this earth.  Thank you my darling for sharing your life with me and for making my life the joy that it was during our all too brief time together.  We had a cherished journey together and I am humbled and honored you allowed me to share your “Life Well Lived”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Your “BB”

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Above is a report put together by the WordPress blogsite.  This will be my last blog from 2012, what a way to state the obvious!  2012;

A year unlike any other year I have experienced or probably ever will experience again.  But let me say this first; 2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

I have been repeating this often throughout this Journey, it usually gives me a sense of peace.  It first fully came to my attention (even though I had read it a couple of times in the bible before) from a slip of paper on my brother-in-laws desk, it was something he said to me during the early days of the Journey.  It now gives me reassurance in down-times, like now.  

2012

For me it really started Thanksgiving night 2011, walking from the house to the car after dinner with the family.  Pat started having difficulty breathing and had to go on oxygen that night and basically never came off, the next day she had a CT scan and MRI which confirmed that the chemo had stopped being effective, the tumors had returned to her brain and she now had a pleural effusion which was affecting her ability to breathe and putting pressure on her heart.  Basically, it was the beginning of her transition from life here on earth to life with God.  So here’s what I can put into words about 2012; I lost my rudder, my sails and the wind beneath my wings.  I lost my confidant, my best friend, my calming influence and my sounding board (the one who when you bounce one of those ideas off, they just look at you and say “you actually thought this through?”).  I lost the one true love of my life, my teacher and really, my direction.

I have gained a better understanding of God’s word, I have learned about friendships, I have gained new friends, have rediscovered old friendships, have learned a few things about myself, (not the least of which is that there is a myself) both good and bad.

I visited the birthplace of my mother, and the birthplace of my wife.  I checked a couple of things off a bucket-list I didn’t even have; enjoying the Monterrey Jazz Festival and seeing the space shuttle fly home.  I revisited the biggest trees on the planet and the place Pat and I spent our first night together.  I also saw one of the most photographed trees in the world, one of the most famous golf courses in the U.S. and heard the pastor of one of the country’s largest churches preach.

I have discovered a talent for writing, a desire to serve God and my church more.  I am singing in the choir, teaching Sunday school for the teens and assisting with leading the songs before the sermon.

I lost an old friend, which led to a new friend.  I found an old family member and faced the possibility of losing my home to damage which occurred while I was in Cali losing my wife.  I learned I am still a pretty good cook with a flair for making a dish look good even when it’s just for me.  I have visited my wife’s grave, something I never expected I’d be the one doing.

I have gained a new daughter and a new grandson, the first without a first name beginning with “D”.  There have been good days and bad days, highs and lows, moments of incredible joy and laughter and times of unimaginable sorrow.

For the last couple of days I have been really “TIRED”.  No real reason, just tired, if I stop moving, I tend to fall asleep.  l recognize it for what it is; the slow unrelenting onslaught of depression attempting to set in.  I went through a bout of depression in my life once, it is a strange animal.  It will steal your stamina, then your energy, then your will to live, if you let it.  Here’s the good news, (or should I say “Good News”) I realize I have something now that I didn’t realize I had then; God to fight my battles.  Notice I didn’t say “I didn’t have then”  I said “I didn’t realize I had then”.  My realization now is that God will always be there for me, He just wants me to call on Him.  In order to rely on Him, I need to call on Him and that is something I wasn’t aware of then, but I am aware of now.  Why is this happening to me now?  Probably the passing of the holidays, my first without Pat, or just the holiday season itself.  Watching couples, seeing the feel-good movies, the happily ever after endings that at this time I just don’t see for me.  As much as God has blessed me and believe me Lord I am thankful, there is a hole in my heart that feels like the Pacific ocean could not fill 3 times over.  I want to ask “Why could we not have caught this earlier?”, but I know that is something He will answer in His time.  It is something I know I have to trust that is part of the greater plan, for He never makes mistakes.  It still just HURTS! 

This feeling I am going through is what I expected to have at Thanksgiving, one of the reasons I didn’t want to spend it with the family.  I have been breaking down several times a day for the past few days, over the least expected things.  The memory of giving Pat her bath, seeing the near empty bottle of oil she loved for me to rub her with after those baths.  The smell of a soap, even looking at Marley laying on her side of the bed or the couch.  I never know, I have even looked in the mirror and broke into tears from the reflection of her side of the bathroom.  I want her back, but realize that is never going to happen, not here, not in heaven.  Will she be there?  Absolutely.  Will I be there?  God’s Word says I will.  Then why won’t we be together?  Jesus said in the parable of the woman with seven husbands; “You make a mistake,” answered Jesus, “because you do not understand the teachings of the Bible; nor do you know how great is the power of God, who can at a word call the dead up to life. In this world men and women marry because they live on earth only for a time, and must have families to live after them. But when the dead are raised up, they do not rise as husbands and wives, nor do they marry in that world to come, for they will have no need to raise up families to take their places. In that land all live forever, like the angels of God.”  Matthew 22:29,30, Luke 20:34-36, Mark 12:24,25 

I am still having a hard time with this, for I can’t find where the Word says we will remember each other;

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Rev. 21:3-4)

“Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.” (Isaiah 65:16)

So you see, I can only wait until He calls me home to find out what is really going to happen.  Some commentary says we will remember each other, others say we will feel so much unconditional love, there will be no need for relational love.  Some refer to God saying man was “not meant to be alone” to mean that we would have companionship in heaven, but I challenge that because we will not be “man” in heaven but, “In that land all live forever, like the angels of God.” Mark 12:25.  Luke 20:36 says, “neither can they die any more: for they are equal unto the angels;and are the children of God, being the children of the Resurrection.”  Being a man, I have a hard time comprehending seeing Pat and not being with her.

But here is what I can say, 2012 was a year like no other.  2013 I pray will be a year of God’s unimaginable favor and guidance in my life.  I would pray the hole in my heart will begin to fill, or at least to heal. I will continue to pray for His crown of favor, His hedge of protection, His robe of approval, His will in my life.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

 

Be Blessed and be a blessing to others!

Floyd

184

    9Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. 10He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, 11as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our^a behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:9-11

 (This, as many other of my posts, was written over several days, I began it on November 16, 2012)

 Yesterday passed quietly, with no calls to or from family or friends, no cards no letters.  Day 184.  Nothing special to anyone but me.  I am the only one who counts the days, marks the anniversaries of past events that only I remember; as it probably should be.  I was the one there every moment, every step, every decision, every victory, every setback.  We kept much of the day-to-day events between us, relishing every moment together; realizing how precious those moments were, understanding whether she would be healed or not, that life was so, so precious and so we lived each moment that way.  Looking back now, I remember one year ago we were preparing to go to California, to spend Thanksgiving dinner at my Mom’s and looking forward to seeing my youngest son and his family for the first time since he had moved back from Kansas.  Pat was still doing fairly well, she had a chemo session scheduled the day before Thanksgiving and a CT and MRI scheduled the day after Thanksgiving, then we planned to go back home.  I just reread my posts from November 14, and November 21, 2011 and I see the signs of her disease progressing.  Although I had a suspicion of what was going on then, I couldn’t at that time allow myself to admit it, even as a possibility, for fear of Pat noticing a change in my demeanor.  Now, 367 days after that November 14th post, I now know that what I was so unwilling to consider then was true, her lungs were being destroyed and the tumors had returned to her brain.  I sit here now in heart-wrenching agony, tears uncontrollably flowing, wishing she were here now with me, healed and happy, but God had other plans.  We lived, prayed and fought that next six months until God said “Enough, well done my good and faithful servant” and into His arms she went, never to be sick or hurt or sad again. 

(I had to take a break here, I was too emotional to continue)

As I reflect on those last six months, her final six earthly months, I remember some of the things we shared, the point at which she “heard” the doctor say “This is it, I’m sorry, there is nothing else we can do.” I remember her looking at me and asking “What am I going to do?”  Me seeing the one time she actually looked fearful and saying “Baby, we can only leave this to God, now, not that we haven’t been, but it is totally in His hands now, no more doctors, no more treatments.”  We decided we would seek out a “second” opinion from Kaiser’s “Best and Brightest” and then the City of Hope’s top doctor, but they all said that she had been given the best care that could have been given, that they wouldn’t have done anything different.  Kaiser’s doctors said whatever we had been doing, to keep doing it because in their opinion, Pat’s prognosis should have been 3-6 months from diagnosis.  City of Hope said the same thing on December 16, 2011 and told me (not Pat) they didn’t expect her to live more than another 3 weeks.  We also considered any feasible alternative treatments, but by then Pat was too sick to travel, she was on oxygen 24/7 and she had a plural effusion (fluid around her heart that they didn’t suggest be drained as that could lead to more problems than it would solve, so we decided against doing it.)  Even with all this there were moments of joy and laughter that came, for Pat was a warrior and refused to go out without one last fight.  Even as the tumors grew in her brain, causing hallucinations and the disease in her lungs grew, she refused to quit fighting.  I remember a brief conversation she had with a former co-worker that began with the person asking her “So Pat how are you doing?” Pat’s answer was ” Girl, the doctor says I’m going to die, but I aint listening to him!”  I can tell you I saw her determination, she believed that then, and I believed it with her.  It wasn’t until she stopped talking that I relented that she was not going to remain here with me.  I watched her as she fought to maintain an appearance of normalcy when she would speak to her mother by phone, she would barely be able to give me yes or no answers when I spoke to her, but when her mother called she would summon all her available energy to keep her mother from knowing how sick she was.  I resented that, for I felt that with the finite amount of energy she had left, that energy should have been mine to share , but I understood, she expected me to go along with her program.  Pat was like that, as hard-nosed as she may have been, to those she loved, she gave her all. 

One night, maybe six weeks before she passed, she woke up about 3:00 in the morning  and softly called my name and said to me “Babe I’m sorry.”  “For what?” I asked. For our house, for Marley, for everything.  Here she was, the first time in weeks she was able to have a moment of clarity and she used it to apologize.  We had our last conversation that night, my last time to know she understood what I was saying, so I said all I could and she said what she wanted and from that night she began her transition.

So here I am, a year later, trying to get on with my life.  I was afraid to go home this Thanksgiving, not wanting to spoil Thanksgiving for my family by possibly having an emotional meltdown.  My niece was home from college and I wanted to see her but I didn’t know that I could handle being in Cali this time.  I will continue to heal, I will get stronger, I did OK this week, but it was still tough, this first Thanksgiving without Pat.  I have my friends here that invited me to spend Thanksgiving with them (Thanks Guys!!!) I know Pat and God are looking down on me, helping me to get through this.  I’ll stay busy with my church; I’m singing in the choir, I’ll start teaching Sunday School for teens in two weeks, and I’m working on my manuscript, yeah, I’m going to recover by giving more of my time and energy to God.

14But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” 15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me. 16 Let your face shine on your Servant; save me in your unfailing love. 17Let me not be put to shame, O Lord, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave;  18 Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous. Psalm 31:14-18

Floyd

Elections, It’s What We Do!

This is probably Going to “Piss some People Off” But If They Can Speak Their Minds With Impunity they Need To Learn To Take It.

       Four years and one day ago, Pat and I stood in a very long line, to cast a vote, a vote that elected a president, remarkable in the sense that he was the first (known) person of “African-American” (although there are those who would want you to believe he is not American at all) descent.  That isn’t the reason we voted for him although again there are those who would never believe that, just as they wouldn’t admit the reason they don’t like him has nothing to do with the color of his skin.  Never in the history of elections, Well at least my history have I ever felt the vitriol expressed about a POTUS; President of the United States, as I have since President Barack Obama was elected.  It actually started as soon as he became the Democratic nominee; “He’s not qualified”, he’s only been a “community organizer”, the “Jeremiah Wright” incident; “He belongs to a church that hates the United States!”  The Michelle Obama comment; “I have never been more proud of my country than I am now.”  The “Barack Obama is a secret Muslim”  (Wait, I thought he belong to the U.S.-Hating Christian church???)  “He wasn’t born in the U.S.” birther movement,  Tea-party’ers showing up at his appearances with monkey dolls and weapons, espousing their “right to bear arms”, calling him everything up to and including the anti-Christ.  Why?!  You can’t tell me it has nothing to do with the color of his skin, the Tea-Party was born in the guise of “political independence” but was full of racist expressionism until the media starting exposing them to extra coverage and they had to tone it down to avoid looking like the political arm of the Aryan nation.  But, enough…this post is supposed to be about Patricia, and me to some extent, so back to the point.  Then again, maybe this is the point; I know she was upset about how much apparent “hatred” was being shown after President Obama was elected, that she thought this country will never get rid of its underlying distaste for the black race.  How all of us bear the weight of the criminal acts of a few, but it never seems to be portrayed the other way around.  So we stood in those long lines enduring the stares and angry looks from our brothers and sisters across the political aisle (I was going to use the word “Isle”, but thought the political symbolism would be lost to some and thought to be a mistake by others, but I think my point is made.)  And although we thought there may not be enough votes in our county for a Democratic victory, we were voting anyway, knowing Clark county would carry a heavy democratic number to the polls which would make up for our “Very Red” county.  While waiting we saw some friends we hadn’t seen in a while and found out that their son had died tragically a few weeks earlier.  I remember that feeling of pain and not knowing what to say to them to express how sorry we were and I prayed that God would somehow ease their pain and heartache, never imagining in four short years I would be going through my own pain and heartache.  We had no clue that this would be a momentous election for us, Pat’s last ballot cast, her last opportunity to make a statement for her country.  I sit here now close to tears as I think of how every election she would do the same thing; ask me “What and who are we voting for?”  Her knowing I was going to do my best to give her an apolitical education of the different candidates and measures and issues, and then show her how to determine who was really behind the different proposition’s ads and how to sift through the rhetoric to see who was funding the commercials to show which side would benefit from passage or failure of the issues and ballot measures just to hear her say “JUST TELL ME WHO WE’RE VOTING FOR!”  Me knowing she had read over most of the info and would be making her own decisions (I just think she liked to see me go through all that because she knew I got a kick out of explaining the election process to her.)  I watched how she got into the campaigning of 2008, and I would come home from work sometimes to have her meticulously explain to me what strange twist had taken place in Hillary’s or Barrack’s or McCain’s campaign stop or speech that day.  It made me realize she was more politically savvy than she wanted me to know.  How I love her for that!  So tonight I look back at that campaign 4 short years ago and I know even before the first polls close, there is no way Mr. Romney is going to win this race, no possible way he can, he just doesn’t get it.  Not realizing his “Let’s keep America American” slogan is the same slogan used by the KKK in the 1920’s, (oops someone missed that, or did they?)  FEAR will never triumph.  No matter how much you try to put that in people’s’ hearts those who truly believe in hope will find a way to overcome it and that is what Mr. Romney and his friends at FOX news don’t get.  Plus when all else fails, look at the numbers, this race won’t be a race by the end of the evening, trust me on this.

Unfortunately, (as I have said before it sometimes takes me several days to formulate a post, and sometimes I do it in a couple of hours) I didn’t get to post this before the election was over, so I thought I would wait a while to see if I wanted to edit or delete some of the comments I made election night in the early part of this post.  Nope, guess not.  I know some of the people who may read this may look at me in a different light, thinking…well I won’t say what I think they will be thinking.  But what I will say is I loved them when they spoke their minds about how they felt about the President, some of the things they said were hurtful to me but I bit my tongue and kept quiet most of the time “preferring to be right than heard” and I will love them when they chose to not like what I have to say, continuing to believe what they believe and I, continuing to believe what I believe.  Last word, it says in the Bible, in Romans 13:  

¹ Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.

We also prayed for this country every night @ 6:00P.M., believing that God would answer our prayer that the right person would be elected to lead this country.  This was his answer.  You don’t get to pick and chose what part of the Bible you believe or don’t believe.  It’s all or none, or so I have been told.  When you start to pick and chose when you believe God’s word and when you don’t, then maybe you have to ask yourself the really hard question; “Do I believe God’s word or not”  Not just when I get the answer I want.  Am I suppose to stop believing in God’s word because I didn’t see Pat healed?  No!!!  And even the most callous, ObUma hating, all in with FOX news-believing person out there, I would hope, would agree with me the loss of Pat’s life was more devastating to me than winning or losing an election.  All I’m saying is to believe God’s word you have to believe Romans 13, to believe Romans 13, you have to believe the election went the way God intended.  Got a problem with who got elected, take it up with God. That’s all I’m saying.  Well not quite, one more thing; got a problem with what I’m saying, you should think about that the next time you have something hurtful to say about the person God put in power.  I still love you, can you say the same, or does pride prevent you from it?  Pride, one of the 7 deadly sins isn’t it? 

Floyd

Romans 13:

² Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.

³ For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same:

Job

²⁰ At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship ²¹ and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.^[c]
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.”

²² In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

I have been learning at a slow pace who I am.  Looking back at my life, trying to understand how I came to be who and where I am.  Everything that has happened to me, I understand, has brought me to this point, and where is that?  Really the best answer I can give you is I am preparing for the “Next Point.”  I say that with the realization that in the grand scheme of things; the worst thing that could have happened to me has already happened and I’m still standing.  I was knocked to my knees, with one hand on the ground, but I come from a family of warriors, we don’t quit, we don’t give up, we keep marching forward as long as there is breath in our body.  Pat was even more so, she fought like nobody’s business so how could I do less. 

I have mentioned in a prior post how I related my journey to Ulysses, him fighting a ten-year war, struggling for ten more years to get home with the gods placing obstacles in his path seemingly at every turn, only to arrive home to find his palace (remember he was a King) filled with men trying to force his wife to take a husband from them to replace him and take his throne.  He returned to a war from a war.

 I now have another analogy; Job.  Not that I could compare myself to the life that he lived, as God said to Satan; “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”  No, I am not as blameless and upright as Job was, But I do fear God, I wish to shun evil, I wish to be God’s servant and to be in God’s eyes, upright.  I am in some sense going through some of the trials Satan put Job though, the loss of my spouse, financial loss, even the possible loss of my home of which Pat has put her stamp on every square foot.  I had said in an earlier post that I came home to mourn only to arrive and find the foundation of my house sinking.  After much consternation, not in the sense of worry as much as dismay, I found a company that can fix the problem I have.  They, at great expense, can fix the current damage and give me a twenty-five year guarantee (after I put up rain gutters at a considerable cost) on all the work they do.  How-some-ever, there is no guarantee that two years, two months, even two days from now, we could get a downpour that the rain gutters won’t handle and a new fissure could open in a new spot which would not be covered by the fix or the warranty and I’d be right back where I am now!  Yesterday, I had a guy (and no further description will be given to protect his identity) that came by and confirmed my suspicions.  He said if it were him, he would look into talking to the lender about trading the keys for a condition of not “killing my credit”.  What a way to end my week.  Still, as Job, I will bless the name of the Lord and await what He has in store for me, you must open your hand for God to fill it.  So I sit here deep in contemplation trying to figure out how to make such a monumental decision.  I have sought legal advice, I have contacted the builder, homeowner’s insurance, flood insurance, engineers, you name it, I have talked to them.  Basically the lawyer says for a retainer’s fee, he can research all my policies, contracts and the contractors board rules to see if I have a legal leg to stand on to pursue some sort of legal action against any of the above to have them pay to fix the house or to see if some other undesirable action is my best recourse.  I would have to take the emotional attachment out of the decision-making process to make the best economic decision but how do I do that?  Again by drawing on the warrior mentality that is in my genes. This is exactly what I didn’t want to have to do yet; make this type of decision without letting some time pass, time to mourn so the decisions I make won’t be “grief-driven” decisions.  However like I said in my last post, God always seems to have different plans for me. Se la vie, such is life.  Again I hear His laughter as I make plans without consulting Him. 

So here I am, five months after her passing, having to decide whether I must move out of her home that she poured so much of her blood, sweat and tears into; for up until the day she was diagnosed she was working on turning this place into her dream home.  How do I make that decision?  By trusting in God! By knowing that His ways are not our ways, and believing that His plans for my life are infallible.  By being not afraid to let go of what I have and reaching for what He has in store for me.  I know that most everyone that I love, lives down in California.  I do have friends that I have made and love here in my church, but the pull seems to be to go back home.  Will I miss Pahrump?  Yes!  There are things that I experienced here that changed the very fiber of my being, this is where Pat brought us.  But without her or her home, I just don’t know why I would stay…I am Lonely here.  But then again, Marley loves it here, I have built this beautiful pond for my koi here, the air is cleaner here, the stars are so beautiful here, I actually love it here, My church is here, I actually kinda like living in a “red state” learning how the die-hard, hard-core, Glen Beckians think.  I will do as always, pray that God will make His will for my life be known to me and ask for His strength to follow that path, to be able to “walk by faith, not by sight.”

Floyd

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day.  17 For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 

Awakening

Can’t Sleep, Get up and say Good Morning to God

Jeremiah 17:7-8 NIV
But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

This has been an interesting month.  I have been to a grief support group and a caregiver’s support group.  I have always been one to try to stand on my own, something God has been working on with me.  I am not “lost in grief” but I actually am attending more so in hopes that at some point in the future, if there is enough participation, I could actually move into a position of a facilitator, but that is a ways off…I would hope not too far off, but that’s God’s time, not mine.

So this month I have been in California as much as I have been at home it seems.  I wanted to come see my niece before she left to go back to Denver to start her Junior year and third season of basketball, this year with a new coach and competing in a new conference.  She has been asked to step into a position of leadership this season to help the younger players, something outside her “comfort zone” but I think she has it in her, if she can tone down her “bluntness” just a couple of notches.

I have been trying to contact my “tax person” for a few months, without success. (it is outside of tax season)  I had found a mistake from 2009 (in my favor, that’s always good!) I need her to correct, but she hasn’t called me back.  We last saw her more than a year ago at which time she had said she was having some health issues but that she was OK, she was more concerned about her husband and his signs of dementia.  Well, I was on Facebook that Wednesday evening (Aug 29) and I saw a picture of Wendell Tyler, former running back for  the Rams and Crenshaw High graduate.  My tax person’s son (who also attended Crenshaw as did his two older brothers) saw the picture and put a comment on the page.  I sent him a message asking him to call me as we had lost contact with his mom and oldest brother and I needed to tell him about Pat as they worked together after H.S. and we used to hang out together before we moved to Riverside. He contacted me and I gave him the news about Pat.  I asked him how his brother was doing and he said “We’re just  trying to deal with the death of our mom last Saturday.”  Wow, didn’t see that coming.  This meant staying a few extra days in Cali. for the funeral.  A strange set of events unfolded, which I am still trying to figure out. First I reconnected with one of Pat’s dad’s relatives,so I went to see her and her husband right before the funeral.  Now they live basically right across the street from the cemetery and I was watching the clock and as most of you know, if I’m not with Pat, I am almost never late.  Somehow I wound up 7 minutes late for the service.  The place was packed, but I found ONE seat open.  As I looked around the crowd searching for someone from Crenshaw High (as Shirley had been a guidance counselor there when I attended) there was a lady sitting in front of me with a gentleman who had his arm on the pew back, so I assumed it was her husband as she had a ring on her finger.  Well when the time for reflections came the pastor asked for those who wished to speak to stand and come forward.  Only 4 persons did so.  I sat there thinking, “Really, only four people have something to say about this remarkable woman who touched so many lives??? REALLY?!”  Well when that fourth person finished speaking I stood up and said to the pastor, “Sorry I’m late but I would like to say something.”  He asked me to come up and by the time I walked to the front 3 more people had also raised their hand to speak.  Now, I had no idea what I was going to say, I just felt more than 4 people should have something to say.  When I turned to the crowd, as I so often ask of God, the right words came to me.  I spoke of this young man who because he was intelligent and a little rambunctious tended to visit the “guidance counselor’s” office from time to time.  It was on one of these “visits” he was given one of those looks Shirley, the guidance counselor, tended to give when you do something really “stupid”.  That was a look that impacted him, made him think about what he was (and wasn’t) doing with his life.  A simple look.  A look that not only impacted his life, but by extension has impacted so many other people because that look inspired him to want to do more positive things in his life and to help make a difference in other people’s lives, “A ripple effect” so to speak.  So I reminded those in attendance that there are so many opportunities to make a difference in someone’s life with something as simple as just a look and you never know how a small, seemingly insignificant moment could make an impact on someone’s life.

The speech went over well with the crowd, judging by the response I received.  Later at the repast, I was standing alone as I only knew a couple of people there, a gentleman sitting with his wife asked me to join him as he thought what I had said was something more people needed to hear.  As we were conversing, a female voice came from behind me saying “Dad watch my purse for me.”  I turned and jokingly said “I’ll watch it for you, how much money is in it?  It turned out to be the lady that was sitting in front of me at the service.  She frowned quizzically at me then said to her father, “That’s OK I just remembered I need something in it.”  I said “your purse is safe I won’t mess with it”  Then I turned to her dad and said “I’ll split whatever we find and I’ll give you an extra twenty.”, to which he replied, “good enough for me”  She then said “Why are you messing with me?.  I don’t even know you!”  Later when she returned we talked a little, since I was sitting with her dad, it would have been awkward for her not to.  When they started serving food we were waiting in line and she asked me “So, how did you know Shirley?”  I looked at her and said “So obviously you weren’t paying attention during my speech, huh?” as I had mentioned I went to school with her 3 sons and she had been my guidance counselor.  She laughed and said I was picking on her, to which I said “not really, you make it easy.”  Then I told her the oldest son graduated with my wife, the middle son, graduated with me and the youngest son graduated with my best friend.  Then I told her the oldest son and my wife worked together at Social Security.  She laughed.  I asked what was funny, to which she replied “Your wife worked for SSA?”  I said yes and so did I, to which she laughed again.  Again I asked what was funny about that.  She said “I work for SSA also.  So I asked her which office and she said, “I just work at the call center.” I sad “Just…I spent 14 years at the call center, I left in ’90”  She said “Then you should know my daughter,  she’s here, she’s over there in black.”  I looked at her with a straight face and said “You do know we’re at a funeral…everyone has on black!”  She laughed awkwardly and said “You just keep messing with me.”  Right about then the gentleman I thought to be her husband walked up and spoke to her, said something funny and walked off, she said that’s my brother, he’s crazy.  She glanced down at my wedding ring and then asked, so….where is your wife?  I hesitated for a moment, then said simply, she passed in May.  She apologized (why do people apologize?) for asking.  She then asked “Are you OK?”  I said yes and said I needed to leave as I was going to a volleyball game at USC and didn’t want to be late.  She asked what did I do now since I was retired?  I said I write a blog and was in the process of turning it into a book to help others who were going through what Pat and I had gone through together.  She asked for the blog address, but we couldn’t find paper to write it on so she said just text it to her which I did.  Twenty minutes later, rolling down MLK Blvd, it hit me, “did we just exchange phone numbers???”  Well, long story short, I have been talking on the phone mostly, to her and it turns out, let’s just put it this way; my first wife (Yeah there was one before Pat) was born in 1952, went to Washington High School and worked for a short time for SSA.  Pat was born in ’52 went to Washington for a year before transferring to Crenshaw and of course worked for SSA.  This lady was born in ’52, went to Washington High and …works for SSA.  A little too close to home but she’s fun to talk to so we do.  I have explained to her my heart is nowhere near ready for any relationship and she says she understands, so right now it’s someone who has been through what I am going through (yes there’s that dynamic also) and that’s what it is. 

(This prior part was started the first week of September, the following was started 9/28/12)

Matthew 28:20King James Version (KJV)

²⁰ Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

     Three in the morning…Can’t sleep…Many things on my mind.  Dreamed of Pat tonight, she was with me although even in the dream I knew she wasn’t suppose to be.  I was checking into this hotel, Auntie BarbaraMae was there.  I believe it has to do with Susie’s passing.  There was a woman there waiting in line behind me, I asked her for her email address to send her my blog, but the check-in clerk called me to the window before she gave it to me.  Pat then led me to this room, it was like a large cabin we had stayed in at Big Bear.  Bruce and some other people I knew were there and as we were trying to figure out sleeping arrangements the woman from downstairs came out from one of the rooms.  Eventually we spoke at the same time to each other, “are you going to keep ignoring me?”  I looked around and there was Pat smiling, me in conflict, her telling me to go, me knowing she was gone, but helping me along.
     I had a conversation with God recently.  Not like sitting here talking as you and I would do, more so as me asking Him for clarity and He speaking to my spirit.  I was having a really difficult time with the reality of Pat being gone. Now please don’t take this the wrong way, I am Nowhere near suicidal nor was I at the time this revelation came to me.  But I was just feeling like I really don’t want to live in a world without her so Lord when you are ready, I’m good.  I want my wife back and I know I can’t have her here on earth.  So as everyone always says at funerals “You’ll be together again in heaven”.  Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the day I had that feeling of “I’d rather be in Heaven with her, than be on earth alone” God gave me this revelation in my bible reading that day.  I read the parable of the woman with seven husbands; (Luke 20:27-40) Some of these Sadducees tried to puzzle Jesus with a question. They came to him in the Temple that Tuesday while he was speaking to the people.

“Teacher,” they said to him, “you remember that in the law of Moses it is ordered that if a man should die without any children, but leaving a wife, then the man’s brother shall take the widow for his wife, and raise a family for his brother. Well, there were living seven brothers. The oldest of these married a wife, and after a time died, leaving no children. Then the second married her, and he too died without a child. The third took her and died, the fourth also, and all the rest of the seven died, leaving no children. Finally the woman herself died. Now, you have been teaching that there will come a day when the dead shall rise to life. When that day comes, and these seven men rise, all of whom were married to this woman, whose wife out of them all will she be, for every one of them in turn was married to her?”

“You make a mistake,” answered Jesus, “because you do not understand the teachings of the Bible; nor do you know how great is the power of God, who can at a word call the dead up to life. In this world men and women marry because they live on earth only for a time, and must have families to live after them. But when the dead are raised up, they do not rise as husbands and wives, nor do they marry in that world to come, for they will have no need to raise up families to take their places. In that land all live forever, like the angels of God. And as to the resurrection, the rising from the dead, have you not read the words that God spoke to Moses at the burning bush?

” `I am the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.’

“Now God is not the God of dead men, but of living men. For in the sight of God all men are alive, even after they have died on earth.”  There it was God telling me my despair to the point of not wanting to stay here was futile and pointless,  According to his Word, I will not be with Pat the way I’m wanting to, to be her husband, and her to be my wife, so stand and as it says in Jeremiah “wait on the Lord and renew my strength”  for he has other battles and tasks for me, here, now and tomorrow will take care of itself.  Also in that same conversation He talked to me about me for the last three years preaching about the marriage vows, to those that wanted to hear and those who needed to hear.  He told me I had done what I had promised, to spread the word about the marriage vows, but I had missed one thing; I started going over them in my mind and finally said “What have I missed Lord?” He said what is the final part of the vow?  I thought for a while and He said “Til death do you part. You have run your race, you have fulfilled your vow, you are released!.”  What does this mean?  I’m not sure.  My heart is not ready to move on, I have spent the last two days in utter heartbreak, unmanageable emotions bursting forth, loneliness, despair, even anger have been overflowing, coming out of nowhere.  This, after six days of laughter with my friends like I haven’t experienced in years.  This is all a part of the healing process I guess, I don’t know.  I have been sleeping with music on lately, and this song reflects the mood I’m in this morning;

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aejQHbet5YY

Floyd

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

3 Months

Today is August 15, 2012.  Three months ago, 92 days ago, I lost the love of my life from this world.  She is gone from the earth but not from my heart, my mind or my soul.  It has been tough to deal with, incredibly sad, but in a strange way it has also been easier than I expected.  What I mean by that is, I told most of you my plan was to go home, close the doors and blinds, turn off the phones and the electronic forms of communication and “just grieve.”  Well God had other plans for me.  Some of you know I came home to find that one corner of my home was sinking, causing cracks in my floor, my ceilings and my walls.  So instead of being closed up in my room to myself, God said stand and fight, I have another battle for you.  I am a student of history, and if you know about me, you know I was in the military and have always been intrigued by the strategies and logistics of battles, both ancient and present day.  Well the way I feel now is like the story of Ulysses, one of the kings who left his home to fight in the Trojan war, who after ten years of war and then another ten years traveling trying to get back home, arrived to find his home filled with usurpers and thieves aspiring to marry his wife and take over his kingdom.  I feel like David, who when returning from battle to his own town, finds his town empty, his wife, children and possessions gone, taken by an enemy unseen and one that had left no trail.  Now he had no idea which way he should go, so all he could do was what anyone would reasonably do in this situation, he sat down and cried out.  When he had wept until he had no more tears he finally asked God, “Shall I pursue?”  God gave him a one word answer, “Pursue!”  How did David know which way to go?  His faith in God.  Proverbs 3:6; The King James Bible (Cambridge edition) says; In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.  The New Living Translation (2007) says; “Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.”  David left and came across a sick Egyptian slave that had been left in a field by the enemy that had raided David’s town.  He was able to tell David who the enemy was and where he had gone.  What this demonstrates is before you do anything, you should ask God for his blessing, but most of all for His will.  So I am asking God what to do.  I did not ask him if I should go home and shut myself off from the world, even though I only intended it to be for a short while.  When I arrived home to find what I found, I asked God “What do I do?  He said “Pursue!” and in doing so, He has made my pain and heartache easier to bear as I know He has another task for me and shall lead me as He did with Pat. 

This past Sunday, I came forward at church and asked for their approval of me as a Deacon at First Southern Baptist Church here in Pahrump.  I had gone through the deacon training in 2009 but the week I was to go forward was when we found out Pat was ill and I knew I would not have the time or the focus to perform the duties of a deacon properly then.  I was unanimously approved by the membership in attendance and I await my assignments from the Head Deacon.  I was also asked to step up and serve as an assistant Sunday school director and will serve as such under the direction of the Assistant Pastor.  I was told I could have a salary with as many zeros and commas as I desire, as long as there were no digits in front of them. ;-).  Lastly I also informed the musical director I would be at the first choir rehearsal of the season this coming Sunday and I will be glad to sing the 8 notes I can reach, until the congregation starts wearing earplugs during the singing.  So I gather strength and comfort from stepping forward to serve and in doing so, I pray that I please the Lord.

So how am I doing, really?  I miss my wife, terribly.  I long for her voice, her touch, her correction, her laugh, her cooking, her cooking… but most of all I miss her in that passenger seat.  Pat had not driven since July 16, 2009  and almost every time I got in the car since then she has been in that seat beside me, driving is when I have the most difficult time and miss her the most.  One of the most poignant moments of our journey came on a ride to one of her chemo sessions.  We were between Shoshone and Baker listening to “Could” by Brian McKnight and at the end of the song she turned to me and said “That’s all I want you to do, can you love me the rest of my life?”  Even now as I type this I can’t help but let the tears flow as I did then when I answered her.  “I will love you the rest of MY life!”  I meant it then and I mean it now.  I have told some of you how I plan to honor Pat by living my life well, as she did.  I also said I feel that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  Not shut away from all my wonderful friends and family, and by family I mean just as Pat and I became one flesh, our two families became one in our eyes, but at this time, and I know the wound is still raw, but I just cannot see me giving what I gave for Pat ever again and to not be able to do so, would not be not fair to the other person, to myself, but most of all would not be right with God.  So that is kind of where I’m at right now, trying to find my way, but knowing God said in;

Haggai 2:9
“The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,” says the LORD Almighty. “And in this place I will grant peace…”

In this I will place my trust and will find my peace, for He also said;

Galatians 6:9 “And let us not be weary in well-doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.”  And I won’t, for I also stand on Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.  I feel I have not grown weary in well-doing, and that as it says in, II Timothy 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful.

Thank you Lord for your Love,

Floyd

Special Recognition Award from the Family July 2012

One Month

4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”. Matthew 19: 4-6

Yesterday, June 15th marked one month since the passing of my wife and best friend Pat.  There has been a lot of emotion I have been through and will be going through for the rest of my life. How could it not be so?  She is as the Bible says joined to me as one flesh.  There are some who have never truly understood that about us and they showed that to me.  But there were many of you who know that and showed that you knew that and for that I am so, so grateful.  I am and will be slowly emerging from the cocoon I am in, although I am not really sure that I will ever be “out”.  There are so many things I want to say, so many emotions I have locked inside that want to be released but I can’t do so.  I have learned so much about myself and God has revealed so much in this Journey, some things I can share and some things He would not want me to share as they were revealed I believe, as a test to see if I have actually learned a particular lesson.

Let me tell you what I have learned that I can share; I know who my true friends and family are (and family has nothing to do with blood lines in this case.)  There are some of you that stepped forward before the “call to duty” sounded and I would not have made it without you.  I mean this when I say I thank you from the bottom of my heart!  I gathered strength from you in ways you can’t imagine.  There are things that were done which you might consider “small” but were huge to me, and as I begin to talk to you each individually, I will try in my way to let you know that.  If I take a while to do so, please don’t think everything you did wasn’t noticed, or that the order in which I get to you places the value in which it lies.  No, it is just the order in which I speak with you, random, or the way God places the words in my mouth to speak.

Now I had also planned to speak of the way Pat fought her battle literally until the last breath.  So if you think this is not something you want to read skip to the next paragraph.  Our hospice nurse tried to prepare me for what was coming.  She told me the signs were all there, Pat was waiting for something before she took the final step into the next phase of her existence.  She said only Pat and God knew when that would be, but she said based on her experience, Pat was waiting on something.  We thought it might be her birthday but, that came and went, or it could be she was waiting to hear from someone.  During the last two weeks of Pat’s life, I watched her holding a discussion with the Gatekeeper.  Do I know with absolute certainty exactly what was being said?  No, but I know my wife and I believe I have a pretty good idea how the conversation went.  Meaning no disrespect, but I believe I was there the moment she was told she could not come back to our world.  She made this expression I’ve seen about every five years or so when I would win an argument or drew a line in the sand and she knew she wasn’t going to get her way.  But almost instantly after that I saw her go back to the discussion and those of you who really know Pat, know exactly what I’m talking about.  This went on for several days it seemed, a back and forth, so to speak.  I can only imagine, but at some point I would think the Gatekeeper would have said to at, “You do know who I am don’t you?”  and Pat’s answer would have been something like “Yes and You being Him, You also know You made me this way and taught me to never give up right?  As I said the conversation went on for several days until the morning of Pat’s death, at about ten-thirty, she made this expression with her eyebrows, a rapid up and down motion as if to say “I got it!”  As I was watching this my first reaction was “What…He gave in?”,  but then like I said, knowing Pat she could wear you down until you finally just let her have her way because “further resistance would be futile”.  So whatever it was she wanted she must have gotten it.  After about an hour or so, her temperature spiked to 103 and I spent the rest of the day fighting to get it and keep it, down.  It finally stabilized later that evening about six or so but, in between that time she also was having  bouts of alternately rapid shallow breathing and very slow deep breathing so the day was intense if nothing else.  As I was saying about six she was fairly stable so my sister asked if I had eaten that day, I hadn’t, so she brought me something to eat.  As I was eating I noticed Pat was starting to skip breaths.  She had done this before and I wasn’t overly concerned at first but then I noticed it was happening with some regularity so I spoke to her about the things a husband would say and told her how much I loved her and how honored I was to have been her husband and at Seven-Thirty Three P.M. she took her last breath…

I am extremely grateful that I wasn’t in the bathroom or downstairs cooking or on a quick run to the store when she passed, as I wanted to be there so that she would know I was there for her, not that she would have been alone, as God was there, but I wanted to be there with her to give whatever comfort that my being there could bring, but knowing Pat, she brought me more comfort than I tried to bring her, she was just that kind of person always giving of herself right to the end.

I was going to take the time to thank each and every one of you in this post but I really think speaking with you is a better forum for that, but let me say to each and every one of you that took the time to call, to visit, to write, to pray, to ask someone else how Pat was doing, even if you just thought of us once, Thank you, it was and still is appreciated.  There are a few of you that I just can’t thank enough…you were so there for Pat and I, I sit here tearing up when I think how you helped me when I was at a low point and my phone would ring  and you’d ask if we were up for a visit or a talk.  You never knew how right on time those calls were, but I did and I thank you, wholeheartedly!   Some of you I hadn’t spoken to in years but when the need arose, BAM, you were there!  Again I will be calling you, forgive me if it takes a while, it doesn’t mean it’s not important to me but I want to have the right words when I speak and it seems like I am finally getting to the grieving stage.  I have not had a night’s sleep in almost 3 years and I have been in battle mode for so long I still can’t sleep and by extension I have not been able to release all that I have pent up inside.  So here is what I am starting to realize, it comes out when it wants to, not when I want it to and talking to certain people brings it out.  So if it takes talking to people to release it, I am not ashamed to let it out as I speak with you.  If it makes you uncomfortable, say so, no worries I will get back to you when I am more in control.

But anyway, again thank you for being a part of this journey, no part any of you played was a small part, it all was a part ordained to be played by God and no part of God’s plan is small.  I am waiting on the lord and I will (Galatians 6; 9) not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

Floyd

Isaiah 38 (New King James Version) ; 2 Then Hezekiah turned his face toward the wall, and prayed to the Lord, 3 and said, “Remember now, O Lord, I pray, how I have walked before You in truth and with a loyal heart, and have done what is good in Your sight.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly. 4 And the word of the Lord came to Isaiah, saying, 5 “Go and tell Hezekiah, ‘Thus says the Lord, the God of David your father: “I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears;

P.S. For those of you who may be “worried” about me at this time, know this;

Isaiah 40 (New King James Version) ;28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, Neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. 29 He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. 30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, 31 But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring…

Bridges

I sit here writing this thinking, I hope to actually publish it before the event happens that we have been fighting for almost three years;

On Friday night, Pat had a choking incident that required me to call for the hospice nurse to come.  The RN on the phone told me Pat has “Crossed another bridge” and that from this point on I must be very careful about feeding her and giving her fluids.   She is losing her swallowing reflex, her digestive system is shutting down and she is living on her body’s reserves.  He said that from his point on she will be sleeping more than 90 percent of the time as she transitions.  This is tough for me to take.  Although my logical, scientific mind understands the physiology that the body at this point is no longer digesting and absorbing nutrients from food she might be eating, the nurturing person in me has a hard time following that instruction, even though I see her struggle to swallow more than a few drops of liquid at a time.  After 33 months of constantly changing her diet, trying to anticipate what foods she will eat when she tires of one thing after another, trying to figure out what will give her the highest nutrient value based on the small amounts she would eat, it seems we have come to the end of that battle.  Our nurse has been telling me that the point at which a patient’s systolic pressure (the first number in your blood pressure reading) drops below 100 is an indication that the person is entering the final stage of transition…Pat’s was 96 yesterday (May 7th).

I want to say Pat has been blessed throughout this journey not to have had the typical “cancer pain” that you hear about.  She did not have the pain from radiation treatment after her brain surgery.  She had one episode of nausea from the first chemotherapy that was mild at worst.  She has had pain form the post-hepatic nueropathy caused by the bout with shingles not long after her surgery and pain from the nueropathy in her feet caused by the chemotherapy, but the sometimes brutal pain from the cancer itself, God has protected her from that.

So I sit here watching her sleeping “peacefully”, contemplating whether there was anything I could have done better, anything I could have said to have encouraged her to eat more, to drink more, to fight more.  The professionals who have treated her have told us we far exceeded their expectations, that whatever we were doing, to keep doing it.  I desperately tried to get Pat to drink more fluids and to eat more of certain types of foods, but those of you who know Pat, she was stubborn almost to a fault and resolute (just like Nana) that she was going to live her life the way she wanted to, no matter what.  I can’t count how many times I pleaded with her, in tears, to drink more or to try to eat “just one more bite”.  How I told her over and over and over, “Pat, I can cook and clean and drive, I can wash clothes, bathe you and clean your messes, but the one thing I can’t do for you, the thing that is most important is, I can’t eat and I can’t drink for you”.  Would it have made a difference in her health?  We will never know.  But what I do know is Pat had to do this her way and as tough as it may have been from time to time, my role was to support her and to make this as easy for her as possible.  Did we have our battles?  Absolutely!  Were there times where I had to stand my ground?  Yes, there were.  But there was never a time that I took away her dignity, her self-reliance or her self-respect.  Were there times when I thought she could have made better decisions?  Yes, but there were times when the decisions she made ultimately turned out to be the right ones for her at that time, so I learned to trust in God in those times when she would stand her ground because the one thing I never wanted to do was to put a dent in her fierce fighting spirit.  The way I looked at it was that if her decision was the wrong one, God would make it manifest itself in time to correct it.  Believe me my constant prayer was that He would help us make the right decisions and if I made a wrong one that it would be small enough to “do no harm” before we realized it.

So as I continue to do what little I can at this time, giving her what comfort I can, helping her in her transition, expressing my love and support, I can’t help but wonder “What will I do next?”  For the last 33-plus months my life has been totally consumed with caring for Pat.  All the driving and watching and learning and battling but most of all the loving and supporting and feeding and bathing and cooking and cleaning.  I don’t know what else to do.  I will probably “Go Dark” for a while, (“Turning off all my telephones and electronic devices”) but don’t worry, for as much as my life was intertwined with Pat, we had an opportunity to talk about life without each other long ago, and promised each other we would honor the departed spouse by living the rest of life to the fullest no matter what.  I never expected that to be me.  I can’t say when I will begin to start that new life honor, but at some point I will.  Don’t worry, I will be alright, I have God in my life now more than at any other time in my life and I know He will help me get through this, and I thank you for your prayers.

Your Brother-in-Christ,

Floyd